1. Posted: July 14, 2017In:

    A young and lonely businessman wants to find true happiness in order to give his life more purpose and standing in his way is only himself.

    Richiev Singularity

    You need to give the lead character an interesting tangible goal. The lead character needs to do something, and that something will be the hook of your story.-------------------------- "Looking for love, a desperate businessman joins a support group for loved ones of cancer victims, but when he fallRead more

    You need to give the lead character an interesting tangible goal.
    The lead character needs to do something, and that something will be the hook of your story.

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    “Looking for love, a desperate businessman joins a support group for loved ones of cancer victims, but when he falls in love he must keep secret the fact his daughter never had cancer and is still alive.”
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    ?

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  2. Posted: June 19, 2017In:

    When a neglected housewife discovers that the nest will be empty sooner than she had planned, she follows her daughter to the beach for the summer in an effort to save their last few months together, quickly realizing she has a lot to learn about their relationship, her marriage and herself.

    dpg Singularity

    Bfink:In addition to the above I see one other thing that could strengthen the logline's appeal: ?a strong hook."Follows her daughter to the beach" -- how unique, how exciting is that to watch?On the other hand, what if the daughter wants to go to the beach, but ?her mother cajoles and finally bribeRead more

    Bfink:

    In addition to the above I see one other thing that could strengthen the logline’s appeal: ?a strong hook.

    “Follows her daughter to the beach” — how unique, how exciting is that to watch?

    On the other hand, what if the daughter wants to go to the beach, but ?her mother cajoles and finally bribes — pays her — to join her in hiking the Appalachian trail?

    Or biking up the Pacific Coast Highway? ?Or biking the the C&O Canal and Great Allegheny Gap from Washington DC to Pittsburgh?

    Or your mom’s solution to her midlife crisis is to buy a Harley — or requistion her soon to be ex’s beloved Harley — ?and drive across country to the Sturgis, South Dakota motorcycle rally.

    (I’m assuming you’re from the US of A. If not, replace with some local travel routes in your own country.)

    Her subjective need is her last chance to bond with her daughter, repair the wounds inflicted by her failing (or failed?) marriage. ?Her objective goal is reach the destination implied in the Odyssey.

    I’m just throwing out ideas. ?My point is build the story around the hook of an interesting journey the audience will want to go along to enjoy the scenery and see how it ends.

    fwiw

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  3. Posted: July 5, 2017In:

    While escaping a terrorist attack , two biggest female business rivals discover that they are homosexual . For the world they can’t stay together and for them they can’t live apart.

    DJhasMS Logliner

    ?While escaping a terrorist attack , two biggest female business rivals discover that they are homosexual . For the world they can?t stay together and for them they can?t live apart.? I think you have a story here just not a compelling understandable LogLine. I would start by changing some of the woRead more

    ?While escaping a terrorist attack , two biggest female business rivals discover that they are homosexual . For the world they can?t stay together and for them they can?t live apart.?

    I think you have a story here just not a compelling understandable LogLine. I would start by changing some of the wording; “two biggest female business rivals”doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. I love “For the world they can?t stay together and for them they can?t live apart”, but it needs to be reserved for the back of the book, the extended version of Your LogLine if you will, I love line needs to be more detailed and specific. Remember you only have a few words to get across a lot of information don’t waste those words on statements that don’t do anything to convey what your story is.

    Good luck and good writing! ?

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