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A young Rap Mogul, faces a huge dilemma, when he finds out his best friend is also interested in the same woman he’s falling in love with. He must figure out, if friendship is worth losing for his heart.
>>>his best friend losing revenue because of her relationship with the protagonist Based upon my understanding of the story, what I am suggesting is that it would destroy their very lucrative business relationship as well as their friendship.? They need each other to survive and thrive in aRead more
>>>his best friend losing revenue because of her relationship with the protagonist
Based upon my understanding of the story, what I am suggesting is that it would destroy their very lucrative business relationship as well as their friendship.? They need each other to survive and thrive in a ruthlessly competitive business; they complement each other’s strengths and compensate for each other’s weaknesses.
See lessWhen a timid zookeeper is held responsible for the death of a tiger, her only chance to save her job is to earn the trust of a traumatised former circus tiger and its bold caregivers.
An improvement, but I still have concerns.Suggestions:Drop "bold caregivers" because ultimately her objective goal? to keep her job entails winning over the trust of the tiger.? (She could win the trust of the caregivers and yet fail to win the trust of the tiger, right?? So she's fired.)Modify: "boRead more
An improvement, but I still have concerns.
Suggestions:
Drop “bold caregivers” because ultimately her objective goal? to keep her job entails winning over the trust of the tiger.? (She could win the trust of the caregivers and yet fail to win the trust of the tiger, right?? So she’s fired.)
Modify: “bold caregivers”. Not sure what that means.? Bold in what way? Are they allies in her effort?? For the sake of providing dramatic tension to the story,? it’s better if they are obstacles; they are skeptical, they doubt her ability, her competence. So she must win the trust of the tiger in spite of their doubts, in spite of the methods they are using to care for the tiger — not because of them.
Also add a ticking clock.? She has X amount of days or a week or whatever to win the trust of the tiger in order to keep her job.
Finally, I’m still a bit uneasy about framing her goal in terms of trying to keep her job.? Why does she need to keep her job?? What’s really at stake?? Her job security or the safety and welfare of the animals?? I suggest her objective goal be defined in terms of the stakes that will appeal to an audience.? And what will appeal to the audience is not her job, but the purpose of her job, to provide for the welfare of the animals.
fwiw
See lessWhen a young successful fashion model suffering from neglect and heartbreak from her lover. She seeks love and comfort from his arch rival for revenge.
It sounds like there are many melodramatic moments in this story and very low stakes. She wants a better man and finds it, then her first man finds out and gets angry. Up until this point in the story nothing is out of the ordinary, or in other words, no inciting incident has occurred. The first manRead more
It sounds like there are many melodramatic moments in this story and very low stakes. She wants a better man and finds it, then her first man finds out and gets angry. Up until this point in the story nothing is out of the ordinary, or in other words, no inciting incident has occurred.
The first man threatens the new man’s life – could be seen as an inciting incident. She must now take action to stop him from killing her new love – this is act 2. For an MC’s action this is too slim (pardon the pun…) there simply isn’t enough, in her trying to stop him, to make a whole act 2 of a film.
If she fails, the first man kills the new one, she’s left alone and I’m not sure what the point of the film was. If she succeeds, she lives happily ever after with the new man – a pedestrian outcome at best. There’s no ‘hook’, twist or anything that makes this a story worthy problem for a film.
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