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  1. Posted: September 27, 2017In: Drama

    When an extremely silent zookeeper loses a tiger in a tragic accident, her only chance of keeping her job is to negotiate with the peculiar caregivers of a traumatised former circus tiger.

    Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai
    Added an answer on September 27, 2017 at 2:35 pm

    "Extremely quiet" isn't really a character flaw; just characterisation. Perhaps 'timid' or even 'mousey' (for the animal connection -- she's gonna have to find her 'roar') work better to describe the character? Is the story really about negotiation? Does it mostly take place in an office (or circusRead more

    “Extremely quiet” isn’t really a character flaw; just characterisation. Perhaps ‘timid’ or even ‘mousey’ (for the animal connection — she’s gonna have to find her ‘roar’) work better to describe the character?

    Is the story really about negotiation? Does it mostly take place in an office (or circus equivalent … a trailer, I guess?) with the main character arguing the specifics of the trade with the owners of the tiger? I suspect it’s more a story of re-habilitating the damaged tiger (and in so doing, finding her own courage) — right? If it really is about the negotiation, then I guess the logline is accurate, but the premise isn’t particularly compelling. If it’s about something beyond the negotiation, then the logline needs to be reworked to focus on that.

    It might help if there is something specific she needs the tiger for? What I mean is that; if a tiger died because of her incompetence, it wouldn’t be up to her to replace the tiger. The zookeeper would be fired for that incompetence, and presumably someone who runs the zoo would be in charge of sourcing a new animal; if they bothered to at all. However — if it wasn’t her fault, why would her job be tied so closely to the tiger exhibit? Why would she be OUT of a job — wouldn’t it just be part of her job to find a replacement? The stakes aren’t very clear to me.
    So the point I was getting at was — maybe a specific reason she needs the tiger. Maybe?the zoo?were planning on breeding the tigers and they only have a small window of fertility with the female tiger, so she’s got to find a replacement for the dead male? Or maybe there’s someone coming to the zoo in a few months to see the tigers (though outside of a royal, I can’t imagine why someone’s job would be in the balance over it), or maybe the zoo is about to close and they wanted to sell the tiger to keep it open, or else the tiger was the only reason anyone was coming to the zoo …

    I guess, as I write my thoughts on your logline, it becomes apparent to me that I think your story has a stakes problem — I?don’t understand why the protagonist’s job would be in jeopardy over this situation, and I think the premise needs to be reworked.
    Likewise — all of the above, what is the action the character takes to achieve their goal.

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  2. Posted: September 15, 2017In: Drama

    After a senior Barrister is entrapped by his own client, to recover control of his life, he must convince a Judge to set aside the client?s murder acquittal.

    Leon Davis Logliner
    Added an answer on September 20, 2017 at 8:19 am

    Thank you so much for your advice.

    Thank you so much for your advice.

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  3. Posted: September 18, 2017In: Drama

    When an orphaned dropout joins an off-grid commune to evade a hometown scandal, but secretly returns to claim an inheritance, he must fight off reporters and protestors who follow him and destroy his commune, which he must rebuild with his windfall.

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity
    Added an answer on September 20, 2017 at 7:25 am

    Why does he want to rebuild the commune?He fled to it to escape public scrutiny, attention. ?That was his original intent, right? And then he got it anyway and the commune was destroyed in the process.So the commune no longer serves his original purpose. What is motivating him now to want to rebuildRead more

    Why does he want to rebuild the commune?

    He fled to it to escape public scrutiny, attention. ?That was his original intent, right? And then he got it anyway and the commune was destroyed in the process.

    So the commune no longer serves his original purpose. What is motivating him now to want to rebuild it? It can’t be in order to have a hideout from the press.

    Has he embraced the values/lifestyle of the community? ?Has he come to believe the community and it’s credo are worth fighting for, rebuilding?

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