1. Posted: February 3, 2018In:

    When a doting daughter discovers her father has committed suicide leaving his barbershop bankrupt, she must risk everything, including her sanity, to save the family business and discover the truth about her beloved father’s death.

    thegreatpumpkin Penpusher

    What is "everything" that she's risking? I get that taking on the family business is a big burden, but this logline doesn't give me an idea of the specificites of that struggle... is it a huge financial risk? is she giving up other dreams? etc

    What is “everything” that she’s risking? I get that taking on the family business is a big burden, but this logline doesn’t give me an idea of the specificites of that struggle… is it a huge financial risk? is she giving up other dreams? etc

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  2. Posted: February 1, 2018In:

    When an idealistic boy tired of bullying establishes a secret club of victims to impart justice, some members of the group begin to turn into very dangerous bullies.

    dpg Singularity

    Guillerson:>>>variable, i always thought about the protagonist to be part of bullied onesI think the story is better served if you go with your first instinct, that he thinks he's better than the bullies, has no desire of becoming one of them.? This makes the ironic reversal where he becomeRead more

    Guillerson:

    >>>variable, i always thought about the protagonist to be part of bullied ones

    I think the story is better served if you go with your first instinct, that he thinks he’s better than the bullies, has no desire of becoming one of them.? This makes the ironic reversal where he becomes the kind of person he originally abhorred more dramatically meaningful.

    Also I think it might be useful that his secondary motivation is to get The Girl — the “B” story.? In fact, that could be the source of the inciting incident.? He’s been bullied umpteen times, and takes it like the martyr-loser he is at the start of the story.? But when the bullies utterly humiliate him in front of the girl he has a crush on — that triggers him to form the club to not only get revenge, but get The Girl.

    Best wishes with this story.

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  3. Posted: February 2, 2018In:

    After many miscarriages a desperate Querulous woman seeks a surrogate from a very unlikely person in order to fulfill her dreams of being a mother.

    Foxtrot25 Uberwriter

    I got nothing. You sure that you can convince an audience to get behind a bitchy woman who can't have a kid? I mean, why is she having so many miscarriages and what about the poor chap's feelings in all of this? By very unlikely, what does that mean exactly?

    I got nothing.

    You sure that you can convince an audience to get behind a bitchy woman who can’t have a kid? I mean, why is she having so many miscarriages and what about the poor chap’s feelings in all of this? By very unlikely, what does that mean exactly?

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