A suicide is an emotional catastrophe for the surviving family.? I know because my father blew his brains out when I was 18.

But I don’t get any sense of the emotional catastrophe for the protagonist in the logline.? Rather, she’s describe as a daddy’s girl full of hubris — as if there have been no emotional wounds inflicted on her by the inciting incident (his suicide).

Further, my father’s suicide threw us out of our comfy middle class life. You can’t collect life insurance on a suicide so my mother had to declare bankruptcy.? She was thrown out of the house, reduced to poverty. And all of us kids had to make our own way in the world.

My point, lavender81, is that you have a lot of raw ore to work with, but I think you need to dig deeper into your premise to find it and incorporate it in the logline and script.

Like the logline should describe a daughter who is emotionally devastated about her father’s death.? And I suggest the stakes have to be bigger and more personal than just the loss of his barbershop.? She and everyone else in the family face financial ruin, the loss of their home, poverty because her mother (or his estate if she isn’t alive, take your pick) can’t collect on his life insurance.? And the prospect of poverty is compounded by the fact that her relatives are shunning her, offering no help beyond? pious words of consolation at the funeral.

As I said, I think your idea is sitting on top of a rich vein of drama.? You just need to dig deeper to find and refine it.

fwiw