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Revision #2: When given the choice of reliving his life, a deceased high-flyer is told by a sagely corpse in order to do so he must correct three past mistakes before his funeral in 48 hours or risk being trapped in Limbo forever.
As usual, Richiev's review and suggestions are spot on.However, I don't think>>recall a single moment from his life that defined him before his funeraladequately addresses Richiev's suggestions.? That phrase seems rather vague, nonspecific.And even after he remembers one such moment, so what??Read more
As usual, Richiev’s review and suggestions are spot on.
However, I don’t think
>>recall a single moment from his life that defined him before his funeral
adequately addresses Richiev’s suggestions.? That phrase seems rather vague, nonspecific.
And even after he remembers one such moment, so what?? What difference will it make in how he lives his life going forward?? Isn’t the more important issue what must he DO about what he remembers?
See lessA grieving psychiatrist struggles to find the truth in a foul-mouthed drunk’s claims he’s Cupid when faced with deeper truths about himself, his past, and the chance of love again.
What is the psychiatrist's main goal? And what are the stakes? If it's to find out whether or not his patient is the cupid, you'd need to establish how that impacts the MC. What's the best that would happen should he succeed and what's the worst thing that would happen should he fail? It reads as thRead more
What is the psychiatrist’s main goal? And what are the stakes? If it’s to find out whether or not his patient is the cupid, you’d need to establish how that impacts the MC. What’s the best that would happen should he succeed and what’s the worst thing that would happen should he fail? It reads as though the stakes are very low.
The second half of the logline – deeper truths, to love again… seems unrelated to the plot. You can cut that out altogether and free up some valuable logline real estate for more plot critical descriptions.
A good example you could study is K-PAX. A psychiatrist must prove to his patient that he isn’t an alien – or is he…
See lessAfter waking up, deceased with no memory, in the local morgue, a high-flying college graduate must remember his past and come to terms with his death before his funeral to get another shot at his life.
The story can certainly open with him "waking up" in a morgue.? But it seems to me that does not constitute the inciting incident.Rather, the inciting incident is the beat he finds out he has a chance for a do over....if... Otherwise there is no reason, no purpose, no personal stakes for him to remeRead more
The story can certainly open with him “waking up” in a morgue.? But it seems to me that does not constitute the inciting incident.
Rather, the inciting incident is the beat he finds out he has a chance for a do over….if… Otherwise there is no reason, no purpose, no personal stakes for him to remember anything.? Knowing he can have a shot at a do over is what triggers the plot.
Yet this inciting incident comes at the end of the logline when an inciting incident should? lead off? a logline.
>>>before his funeral
Good, a ticking clock.? But I? suggest time he has before the funeral needs to be spelled out:? 24 hours…. 48 hours… whatever.
>>>come to terms with his death
What does that mean?? It’s vague, a generality.? And it relates to his subjective need.? A logline should be about a specific objective goal — about a person, place, event, or object that can be seen, be visualized on screen.? ?What’s the visual, the screen shot for “come to terms with his death”?
fwiw
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