1. Posted: August 24, 2018In:

    A young man claiming to be the estranged nephew of a hardworking, devote family woman is welcomed into her family’s home and lives. When a series of burglaries and drug abuse plague the neighborhood they live in, it is seemingly connected to him. Now, the matriarch must choose between defending her extended family or her responsibility to the community.

    dpg Singularity

    First of all, at 59 words, the entry is way too long.? Also, it's not clear who the protagonist is,? the "nephew" or the matriarch.? If the main character is the matriarch,? her role is buried in the last sentence.In the age of the internet, more than ever, show business power brokers don't have theRead more

    First of all, at 59 words, the entry is way too long.? Also, it’s not clear who the protagonist is,? the “nephew” or the matriarch.? If the main character is the matriarch,? her role is buried in the last sentence.

    In the age of the internet, more than ever, show business power brokers don’t have the cognitive patience to read long loglines.? Nor the cognitive patience to decode loglines of any length? for the protagonist and the plot.? The protagonist and the plot need to be clearly and quickly defined.

    >>>must choose between

    Logline are not about a character having to choose between 2 options.? Loglines are about a specific choice made that commits the character to achieving a singular, specific objective goal.

    So what is the inciting incident?? Who is the protagonist?? And what is the protagonist’s objective goal?

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  2. Posted: August 16, 2018In:

    When a son is chosen to take over his father’s billion dollar company, he must adjust to the world of business and his newfound power.

    KW Logliner

    My first reaction to this logline is: So what? I don't mean that in a rude way, but there is nothing there to interest me. I don't care about big business growth and I would say very few movie-goers would either. But I would care about a guy who has a major struggle to cope with sudden and unexpecteRead more

    My first reaction to this logline is: So what?

    I don’t mean that in a rude way, but there is nothing there to interest me. I don’t care about big business growth and I would say very few movie-goers would either. But I would care about a guy who has a major struggle to cope with sudden and unexpected pressure to perform something he has no skill or aptitude for… but somehow finds the way to succeed anyway.
    I’d suggest you rewrite this logline, focusing on the character’s story, not the business side.
    Think of business related movies such as The Wolf of Wall Street, or The Pursuit of Happiness. These aren’t really about business, but about the characters.

     

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  3. Posted: August 16, 2018In:

    When a dangerous CME is earthbound, and a satellite reflector won’t work, NASA, learning they have four days till impact, release a female hacker from prison, to find the problem and save the planet.

    KW Logliner

    I really like this! My one gripe would be that I feel the female hacker should be more notorious or something, otherwise, I just don't buy that NASA would turn to her. She'd really must have a greater background to make her more essential to the plot (perhaps she worked for NASA designing the systemRead more

    I really like this!

    My one gripe would be that I feel the female hacker should be more notorious or something, otherwise, I just don’t buy that NASA would turn to her. She’d really must have a greater background to make her more essential to the plot (perhaps she worked for NASA designing the system before she was jailed in disgrace for hacking.)

    Yes, it’s true that the whole ‘bad guy called in to save the earth’ has been done a lot, but no reason you can’t do a fresh take on it. The concept oozes with possible conflict. Does she have a scorned ex-lover at NASA? Does she have a secret criminal agenda she’s covertly trying to pull? All these things and more make me intrigued. I’d see this movie.

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