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Okay Mike you have very invaluable suggestions. Here?s another editing. I removed the spiritual identity part, however, it will still be included in the movie itself because that was one area she was being manipulated by. Also the ?deacon? position is important because it?s about the deception of someone high in the church. While his behavior maybe generally unacceptable, it will be a shock in the eyes of the congregation coming from someone who is supposed to be spiritually matured. I can?t seem to get this around 25 words. Urg? A woman raised in an unscrupulous orphanage hopes of happiness were shattered shortly after marrying a highly respected deacon when he suddenly begins to unleash some familiar abuse upon her. She must now muster up the courage to free herself once and for all.
Let?s go the direction. A woman must muster the ?courage to escape her secretly cruel deacon husband to save her children from the same cruelty she suffered in her orphanage. Now you can add some more. A woman must muster the courage to escape her secretly cruel deacon husband to save her children fRead more
Let?s go the direction.
A woman must muster the ?courage to escape her secretly cruel deacon husband to save her children from the same cruelty she suffered in her orphanage.
Now you can add some more.
A woman must muster the courage to escape her secretly cruel deacon husband to save her children from the same cruelty she suffered in her orphanage knowing she will be blamed and ostracised.
Wordy yes. ?But more detail and added some thought processes for her. ?I think you were burying the story and it was focused on the first act.
See lessAfter 13 months of no contact from the Alien ship that appeared in Earth’s Orbit, five New York State citizens find their lives inexplicably intertwined as they and the rest of the world adjust to a new reality.
Agree with Nir and Richiev. Currently there isn't really anything going on. The appearance of an alien ship is a good inciting incident but 13 months with no contact... what is going to keep the audience entertained? The story starts when the aliens make contact... surely?! Otherwise what's their puRead more
Agree with Nir and Richiev. Currently there isn’t really anything going on.
The appearance of an alien ship is a good inciting incident but 13 months with no contact… what is going to keep the audience entertained? The story starts when the aliens make contact… surely?! Otherwise what’s their purpose, why are they in the story at all? Without more information it’s difficult to know what’s in your head but I’m assuming (and hoping) the aliens have something to do with these 5 people. If this is the case, give us a clue as to why. If these 5 start seeing visions and sculpting with mash potato (Close Encounters of the Third Kind), or having visions (Arrival), then the reader needs to know. There MUST be a connection. Otherwise, what’s the point in having aliens appear in the story at all.
As Nir said, you need a protagonist. The story can follow multiple characters but there needs to be one central protagonist who acts as the emotional conduit for the audience. Most ensemble films still pick one of the group who is more central than the rest – Danny Ocean in Ocean’s 11 (clue’s in the title), Mikey in The Goonies, Gordie in Stand By Me. Write the logline from this character’s perspective.
There needs to be a goal. Something that the character(s) is working towards. If the arrival of the aliens is the inciting incident then the goal must relate to this. Think of the I.I. as a question and the goal is the protagonist’s chosen answer. What do you do when a shark kills a tourist on your beach? You try to kill the shark.
I love alternative, more human takes on the SciFi genre (you’ve put this in drama??) like Arrival and Her so I’m intrigued to see what happens next with this logline.
Hope this helps.
See lessDo you think this would work for a limited tv series?
Not bad. TV series logline is different to a film loglines it needs to define the universe not the story. ?The mother?s goal is just a bit vague. Keep her shit together, means different things to different people.
Not bad. TV series logline is different to a film loglines it needs to define the universe not the story. ?The mother?s goal is just a bit vague. Keep her shit together, means different things to different people.
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