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A celebrity priest renounces his faith after mistakenly believing he cured children of cystic fibrosis, only to discover they were victims of Munchhausen by Proxy.
I have to agree with both dpb and glannis, I can't tell whether the story starts with the priest renouncing his father, or if renouncing his faith is the end of the story and the script is all about the events that lead up to that conclusion.
I have to agree with both dpb and glannis,
I can’t tell whether the story starts with the priest renouncing his father, or if renouncing his faith is the end of the story and the script is all about the events that lead up to that conclusion.
See lessAfter discovering that his mother is dying, an exiled gangster turned priest must reconcile with the family he abandoned; but when his vengeful ex partner in crime threatens their lives, he must choose between his faith and his family.
A rewrite, just for the sake of tightening (and fixing the fact that it seems to have 2 inciting incidents):After discovering his mother is dying, an exiled gangster turned priest must confront his vengeful ex partner in crime, in order to return and see her.In case the final "her" confuses the readRead more
A rewrite, just for the sake of tightening (and fixing the fact that it seems to have 2 inciting incidents):
In case the final “her” confuses the reader (since “her” can be the ex partner in crime), you can also say:
People on this forum have mentioned several times (and rightly so) that “choosing between A and B” or “deciding something” cannot be the logline’s ACTION.
Choosing or deciding, first of all, is an internal process. Find the externalised manifestation of it and call it ACTION.
Second, choosing/deciding is a momentary action. So, he chooses A. The end. Unless complications arise. Then, we need to know how he deals with the complications. That, then, is the action, not “choosing.”
But your logline is definitely in better shape now.
See lessWhen an exiled gangster turned priest discovers that his mother is dying, he must make peace with his ex partner in crime in order to return home.
Hmm.? If the priest's objective goal is to visit his mother, what is his subjective need for doing so? (Subjective needs are not usually explicitly stated in a logline, but it strengthens the logline when the subjective need is implicit.)
Hmm.? If the priest’s objective goal is to visit his mother, what is his subjective need for doing so? (Subjective needs are not usually explicitly stated in a logline, but it strengthens the logline when the subjective need is implicit.)
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