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(REVISION #7) When a na?ve, rambunctious teenager coerces her way into her sibling rival?s singing act in 1963?s England, her sister hates her for it. Succumbing to the seductive excesses of a Rock?n Roll lifestyle, she ends up pregnant, and after a botched illegal abortion, has to re-evaluate her life and make amends to her sister to stop the downward spiral.
My first impression is that this seems like a lot.? I'd expect someone's eyes are going to glaze over before you finish reciting this in an elevator.? But maybe that's just me. On a quick side note, the way you use "her sibling" and "her sister" in the same sentence seems awkward. The thing that's sRead more
My first impression is that this seems like a lot.? I’d expect someone’s eyes are going to glaze over before you finish reciting this in an elevator.? But maybe that’s just me.
On a quick side note, the way you use “her sibling” and “her sister” in the same sentence seems awkward.
The thing that’s standing out to me as something I’m not sure about… the teenager is being portrayed as naive and rambuctious, and coercing her way into the singing act.? However she gets into the singing act, you’re trying to make it appear like she’s bad for getting in on the act, and therefore the sister is justified to be upset.? And therefore, it’s up to the teenager to “make amends”.
But what I think is… the sister is selfish for expecting to have the stage to herself.? Why should the teenager have to make amends to that self-centered diva?
Out of your logline, the thing that I still get hooked by is mainly what I suggested before… a teenager gets carried away by rock n’ roll and ends up pregnant, then her future hangs in the balance.? The 1963’s England part I know you like, and honestly, I think it’s kind of cool too, so even though I think it’s optional, I wouldn’t blame you for including that still.
See less(REVISION #6):? When a na?ve, rambunctious teenage singer in the early sixties in England succumbs to the seductive excesses of the Rock?n Roll lifestyle, she ends up pregnant and is pressured to get an illegal abortion that changes her life forever.
Is it the pregnancy or the abortion that is the inciting incident? How does it change her life? What is her goal after this? It seems like this is one long inciting incident at the moment. Unless this pregnancy happens at the midpoint... that could work really nicely. The first half is her seeking fRead more
Is it the pregnancy or the abortion that is the inciting incident?
How does it change her life? What is her goal after this? It seems like this is one long inciting incident at the moment. Unless this pregnancy happens at the midpoint… that could work really nicely. The first half is her seeking fame and fortune and she finally reaches the top but falls pregnant and the rest of the film is her fall from the top.
It’s good that you’re finding the logline hard to write. A solid logline can really help throughout the writing process as it can keep you on track with what the story is really about.
Have you tried the logline generator? If not, I’d highly recommend it.
See less(REVISION #5) England 1963. When a na?ve teenager launches a singing career with her sister, she is overwhelmed by the seductive excesses of the Rock?n Roll lifestyle. She falls in love, loses her virginity, finds out her boyfriend is married, gets drunk, has revenge sex, ends up pregnant and has to make a difficult decision that will change her life forever.
As in your previous loglines, most of what you have here is setting. Only at the end do we find an inciting incident that might drive the rest of the story. In other words, what happens after the singer becomes pregnant? Note, however, you should not end a logline with a decision, rather tell us whaRead more
As in your previous loglines, most of what you have here is setting. Only at the end do we find an inciting incident that might drive the rest of the story. In other words, what happens after the singer becomes pregnant? Note, however, you should not end a logline with a decision, rather tell us what decision the MC made and what comes next.
Here are a couple of examples of where you should aim:
When a rowdy singer in a rock band becomes pregnant, she must learn to keep her mother role separate from the bad-girl role she projects on stage.
After the lead singer in a 1960’s band succumbs to pressure from the other band members to have an illegal abortion, she is left a cripple and must learn to sing from a wheel chair.
See less