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A young 10-year-old boy watches his neighbor girl play in his front yard. He feels butterflies in his stomach when looking at her. The young boy feels the drive to overcome his shyness and tries to find a way to get the girl?s attention.
The inciting incident is weak "feels butterflies in his stomach" and is internal.? In movies, all things internal must be externalized, made manifest ?through action and dialogue.? And the logline needs to state a specific act or series of acts, the boy undertakes as a result of his attraction to thRead more
The inciting incident is weak “feels butterflies in his stomach” and is internal.? In movies, all things internal must be externalized, made manifest ?through action and dialogue.? And the logline needs to state a specific act or series of acts, the boy undertakes as a result of his attraction to the girl.
Also isn’t?”get the girl’s attention”? a? means to another end, which is the boy’s real objective goal?? Doesn’t he? want more than?mere “attention”? Doesn’t he want to win her friendship?
See lessA guy meets a beautiful woman in Scandinavia, but he can not remember her name. They didn?t exchange numbers. They don?t live in the same country. But they felt extreme chemistry. The are both sure they came to this world to make beautiful babies, but she leaves the place after they meet. Leaving this man with the intrigue, motivating him to search for all the girls from Scandinavia on Facebook until he finds her picture. (The man later discovers he had the woman?s name written on a paper in his the back pocket of the jean he was wearing that day).
The logline is too long and?confusing. And it?gives away the ending -- something a logline should never do. The confusion, in my mind anyway, arises from the fact that they exchanged phone numbers. So why didn't he just call her?? Also a guy is utterly bedazzled and bewitched by a woman -- but can'tRead more
The logline is too long and?confusing. And it?gives away the ending — something a logline should never do.
The confusion, in my mind anyway, arises from the fact that they exchanged phone numbers. So why didn’t he just call her?? Also a guy is utterly bedazzled and bewitched by a woman — but can’t remember her name, not even her 1st name?? How probable, how believable is that?
See lessAn aging songwriter used to be wildly successful, but lost his fame when the inspiration for all his songs, his wife, left him. Now, he has been kidnapped by an aspiring singer, who is giving him 3 months to write a great album for the young singer to steal. Having been unable to write anything good for years, the aged star must try to make his ex-wife fall back in love with him, in order to regain his writing ability and save his life.
Tony Edward's version certainly distills the concept to its essence.? However,?it spawned 2 alternate takes?in my mind.? Take #1 focuses on the "A" story:When kidnapped by a pop-star?wanna be, ?a once famous songwriter has 30 days to write a hit album for his kidnapper or die.(24 words)It ups the?drRead more
Tony Edward’s version certainly distills the concept to its essence.? However,?it spawned 2 alternate takes?in my mind.? Take #1 focuses on the “A” story:
When kidnapped by a pop-star?wanna be, ?a once famous songwriter has 30 days to write a hit album for his kidnapper or die.
(24 words)
It ups the?dramatic tension with higher stakes (his life) and a ticking clock (30 days).
But, alas, it fails to include the ” B” story twist that?his only hope of survival.? So take #2:
When kidnapped by a pop-star?wanna be, ?a once famous songwriter has 30 days to write a hit album for his kidnapper or die, a task he can only accomplish by reconnecting with his muse, his ex-wife.
(37 words)
The general rule is that a logline is supposed to be about the “A” story.? Only.?? But there are exceptions to every rule.? And to my way of thinking,? the “B” story is the hook in the concept; it’s ?what makes the “A” story in this logline?compelling — in order to live he must reconnect with his muse.? Love is his only?hope for survival– a bonding agent between audience and the protagonist doesn’t get any stronger than that.
(Although I do wonder?how?can he?win her back when he’s being held hostage.? But then that’s why ?smart phones, email, texting, Instagram and Twitter were invented, to give writers additional options and flexibility for telling their stories.)
Anyway, despite it’s length, despite it being an “A” & “B” story logline, I’m inclined to favor #2.? Best wishes with this story.
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