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Trying to protect garden from carrot thieves, bakeries stoker get in trouble all his family against a gypsy smuggler.
I'm still not clear on what the main character does in the bakery. According to your explanation he maintains the temperature of a boiler, this is an obscure thing to do in a bakery. Why not just make him a baker? Secondly, the logic of a baker needing to protect vegetables in a garden from theft isRead more
I’m still not clear on what the main character does in the bakery. According to your explanation he maintains the temperature of a boiler, this is an obscure thing to do in a bakery. Why not just make him a baker?
Secondly, the logic of a baker needing to protect vegetables in a garden from theft is unclear. If he were the gardener or farmer then there is a clear connection between these events.
The dramatic need in the story is vague because of the structure of the logline, try redrafting it with the inciting incident first and then force the main character to take action as a result.
I think the theft of carrots from a garden doesn’t have high enough stakes, is there anything else the thieves could steal that would be more valuable? Perhaps a field of carrots? The amount could raise the stakes. Unless, of course, this is a children’s story in which case the message will be clear with a few carrots from a garden and the stakes don’t need to be very high.
Lastly what is his goal? How long does he need to protect the garden for, a month, a year? Best to define a specific reason or period of time for him to protect the garden, than an unspecified deceleration of his intent.
For example:
See lessAfter a band of gypsies steal carrots from his field, a farmer must protect his farm and family from hordes of gypsies in order to deliver his crop to the annual market.
Succesful lawer from Moscaw is obsessed with an american porn star, all attemts to meet her in person fail untill a brilliant idea comes to his mind to press charges against her.
I see. I think the problem is you currently have 2 goals set out for the main character; professional success and a personal relationship. Pick one and re draft the logline to focus on the chosen goal.
I see.
I think the problem is you currently have 2 goals set out for the main character; professional success and a personal relationship.
See lessPick one and re draft the logline to focus on the chosen goal.
Sick of trolls, a feminist blogger starts a satirical “pick up artist” website. When she is inundated with misogynistic fans who don’t get the joke, she decides to keep the rouse up for a whole year, to expose it later for publicity. But when she falls in love with her fake persona’s greatest opponent, she must choose between her ego and her heart.
My sense of the story is that it's about a young woman who sets up a blog as a honeypot to attract and expose mysoginist ?trolls only to find herself attracted to the worst one of all. ?Attracted to the point where she must ?meet him in person.I thinks this could be a compelling story. ?And I guessRead more
My sense of the story is that it’s about a young woman who sets up a blog as a honeypot to attract and expose mysoginist ?trolls only to find herself attracted to the worst one of all. ?Attracted to the point where she must ?meet him in person.
I thinks this could be a compelling story. ?And I guess it could work as a comedy. ?But I suggest for your consideration that it could work even better as a dark psychodrama. ? She starts the blog as a joke — and then it becomes serious, deadly serious.
Think about it: what does it reveal about the woman that she finds herself attracted to a man who epitomizes everything she is supposed to loathe in men? ? What demons lurk in the?shadows of?her unconscious that this particular troll appeals to, arouses to conscious action?
Since it’s a comedy, I suppose the Big Reveal could be that when they meet face to face she discovers he’s a clean-cut, well-mannered nice guy, maybe even a milquetoast wimp, ?playing a bad guy role on the Internet. ?Okay. But what does that say about him, that he’s capable of fabricating such an obnoxious online avatar? ?What demons lurk in the shadows of his own unconscious that only come out to play on the Internet?
I suggest ?the premise of this story ?would make a great setup for an updated version of ?the classic “Blue Velvet” (1986). ??In that movie, a naive young man’s attraction to and then obsession with a beautiful, mysterious, deeply troubled woman sends him on a hero’s journey– a journey into the heart of darkness, the darkness, the shadow lands of his own psyche.
Could it be time for an update, version 2.0 of that journey into the heart of darkness? And one taken by a woman?
fwiw
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