1. Posted: February 26, 2016In:

    Recent English grad sets out to climb the corporate ladder of a tech company, with only the jets setting CEO?s memoir as a guide.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    The plot is vague due to lack of story detail. What motivates the main character to need to climb the corporate ladder? What was the event that made him or her need to pursue a career in business? Secondly what is the definitive objective they must achieve which will make it clear the goal of corporRead more

    The plot is vague due to lack of story detail.

    What motivates the main character to need to climb the corporate ladder? What was the event that made him or her need to pursue a career in business?
    Secondly what is the definitive objective they must achieve which will make it clear the goal of corporate success was achieved?? In other words what is the specific story goal?

    It could be to be made CEO themselves for example.

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  2. Posted: February 23, 2016In:

    An entrepreneurial high schooler begins selling sex toys to neighborhood parents to raise money for a car but when his kid sister is diagnosed with cancer, he turns it into a fundraising campaign – with an increasing number of his classmates – to pay for her treatments.

    andrewclau Logliner

    I agree with Nir.?For the story to?work in our current time it would have to be on the internet. As Nir said, sex toys are not perishables.?People don't need to buy them all the time. To get the turnover needed the character would need to sell online to a larger?community. Perhaps he could specialisRead more

    I agree with Nir.?For the story to?work in our current time it would have to be on the internet. As Nir said, sex toys are not perishables.?People don’t need to buy them all the time. To get the turnover needed the character would need to sell online to a larger?community. Perhaps he could specialise in a specific kind of sex toy? What if he?makes a special product that no one else has? He is an entrepreneur after all.

    Below I’ve broken your logline into the more standard format —

    When his kid sister is diagnosed with cancer, an ?entrepreneurial high schooler sells sex toys to neighbourhood parents with the help of his classmates to raise money??for her treatments.

    I think a lot of the elements are there. You have the?inciting incident – sister getting cancer. You have a main character – the entrepreneurial high schooler. Perhaps be more specific with this?high schooler??What’s his flaw? Is he a prude? Is he a jock? Why would sales of sex toys be hard for this character? He’s already an entrepreneur. Starting a business isn’t hard for him, so he must have a reasonable amount of confidence in himself.?You also need to communicate how dangerous the cancer is. Is it fatal? Is she going to die tomorrow or wither over the next ten years? The stakes are implied in the cancer but I think you need a ticking clock to get the tension going.? It’s open ended as it is now.

    Which gets me thinking…is this for a 90 to 120 min movie? Or a TV series? I’m?picking up echoes of Breaking Bad.

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  3. Posted: February 22, 2016In:

    When an insecure screenwriter writing a screenplay about Al Capone is captured by Capone himself, he must escape the gangster’s clutches before he is tortured into writing a screenplay he hates and shot in the head.

    dpg Singularity

    What about a more contemporary story about a 2nd-tier, minor league?gangster, who idolizes Al Capone, who wants the screenwriter to produce a script for a reality series that will elevate him to the 1st tier, major leagues, will bring him the celebrity status? like Capone enjoyed? An updating of oneRead more

    What about a more contemporary story about a 2nd-tier, minor league?gangster, who idolizes Al Capone, who wants the screenwriter to produce a script for a reality series that will elevate him to the 1st tier, major leagues, will bring him the celebrity status? like Capone enjoyed?

    An updating of one of the premises of the classic movie?”Network”,? perhaps, but?maybe it’s time.

    fwiw

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