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  1. Posted: April 28, 2017In: Comedy

    With her main bread winner in rehab, and now facing bankruptcy, former child star sensation turned celebrity agent, Dolcie Dunn, must battle her industry rivals, scandal and a dysfunctional family to save her sanity and her business from financial ruin.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on April 28, 2017 at 6:56 pm

    I suggest you study the recommendations in the 'Formula' tab. There is no need to mention a character's name and the word count should be 30 or under. Other than that, what is it the MC specifically wants? Her goal is unclear from the descriptions as they mention her wanting to save her sanity and hRead more

    I suggest you study the recommendations in the ‘Formula’ tab. There is no need to mention a character’s name and the word count should be 30 or under.

    Other than that, what is it the MC specifically wants? Her goal is unclear from the descriptions as they mention her wanting to save her sanity and her business, but which one is it that drives the plot?

    The back story of what she was prior to being an agent is irrelevant and can be cut, what is missing, however, is the inciting incident. What specifically was the single event that motivated her to take action at the start of the story?

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  2. Posted: April 26, 2017In: Comedy

    When the Mafia takes over a small town cemetery, an underachieving gravedigger must unearth their criminal activity or end up six feet under.

    Bilmore Penpusher
    Added an answer on April 27, 2017 at 7:09 pm

    It's an intriguing logline and I want to know more, but overall it's a little vague upon examination. There is a ticking time bomb of sorts. He needs to solve the mystery before he ends up underground himself, but it's unclear what that bomb is. For starters, does he have a week? A day? A month? He'Read more

    It’s an intriguing logline and I want to know more, but overall it’s a little vague upon examination. There is a ticking time bomb of sorts. He needs to solve the mystery before he ends up underground himself, but it’s unclear what that bomb is. For starters, does he have a week? A day? A month? He’s obviously not on the run, so the stakes of the mafia wanting to dispatch him aren’t that strong at the moment. What is preventing him from going to the police. It needs to be more than he needs to get info first. Give him a stronger obstacle. You mentioned a girlfriend in one of the other reviews. Maybe she is what holds him back. If he tells, she goes to jail, so he needs to find a way to protect her first. Or if he tells, she’ll dump him. These are complete hypotheticals and may not have anything to do with your story, but hopefully it gets you to think about raising the stakes for the gravedigger.

    And if the Mafia is taking over the cemetery, it seems they would hire their own people to handle the bodies even if they kept him on. Maybe he has to hide the bodies because he’s repaying a gambling debt or something. You’ve got your protagonist and antagonist and a vague sense of stakes, but what is the obstacle that prevents the gravedigger from reaching his goal. Simply telling the cops isn’t a particularly compelling goal. Again, bigger stakes.

    Maybe something like:

    To repay a debt, a small town gravedigger is forced to use his cemetery to cover up a series of Mafia murders, but when the police ask him to get the goods on the crime bosses, he has to work both sides of the coin to avoid prison or end up six feet under himself.

    I know this probably has nothing to do with your story, but it raises the stakes for the gravedigger and presents him with a dilemma. . .an obstacle. And he has a goal – to stay alive and out of jail.

    There is definitely something here and I’m intrigued, but I think it needs more specifics which isn’t easy in 50 words or less. I’m looking forward to seeing what you do with it. ?Good luck!

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  3. Posted: April 23, 2017In: Comedy

    a loser terrorist wants to go to heaven tries to find the bomb he lost to explode it.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on April 25, 2017 at 5:06 pm

    What if you switched the stakes around? What if an Islamic terrorist changes religions, now in order to go to heaven he must find the bomb he lost in neutralize it instead.

    What if you switched the stakes around?
    What if an Islamic terrorist changes religions, now in order to go to heaven he must find the bomb he lost in neutralize it instead.

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