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Mentor · 5,078 points

4,922 points to Overlord

2 loglines
109 reviews

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Mentor

Loglines

? When a distraught chemist evades culpability for killing her overbearing boss during a heated argument, she must fend off a psychotic blackmailer?s escalating demands.

June 25, 2019
1

When her male colleagues wager on her best friend’s chastity, a woman remains silent; when the bet ends in rape, she seeks redemption through vengeance.

April 3, 2017

Recent reviews

on After falling in love with twin sisters, an irresolute Iranian student has to decide with whom he wants to spend his life with before getting forcibly married to an unkown woman by his family.

This sounds more like a male-fantasy comedy than a romance. There is a place for women without agency in the former but not the latter, especially if the film is set in the 21st century. Also, there does not seem…
on When a young homeless woman is confronted by an evil older male blackmailer, who holds the key to her secret, she must choose between her dignity and a roof over her head. (this is for a scene, but I’m requested to submit a logline for it).

I think you were trying too hard to be mysterious and secretive and ended up with a convoluted sentence full of pleonasm. Blackmailers are always more evil than anyone else in the film; if you know someone's secret you have…
on A talented lonely man falls in love with his soulmate but everyday fighting brings out her past and his imaginary future. ★ Accepted

Its all too vague. What is the man's talent? How does the talent help or hinder his relationship with his soulmate? Why is he lonely when he sees his soulmate every day? What kind of future does he imagine? What…
on Chris and his team plan to renovate a community of vacant row houses. After forcing a squatter out of one of the homes, they soon realize the neighborhood has a very dark history.

I think you misunderstood the previous commentators when they asked "who is the lead character?" They didn't mean give us his name, proper names have no place in loglines, rather they meant describe the lead character using traits that will…
on A thirty-something manchild, desperate to get his recently-dumped best friend laid, takes him to a party where his friend falls for a woman who only wants sex, whilst he falls in love for the first time? with his friend?s ex-fiance.

And then? The man's friend found a women to have sex with and the man himself has a new girlfriend. Everyone's happy. Where's the conflict?
on ?Liam Santos comes to town to become a great artist, there he meets and falls in love with Fabio Grun, a successful young lawyer.? A car accident leaves the couple in a coma, only one of them can live thanks to the heart of one of them and thus be able to fulfill their dreams. —

Please take a look at the "Formula" link at the top of the page. A logline should be written from the viewpoint of the main character. As concisely as possible, it should tell us something about the MC, the inciting…
on Fired and dumped, a directionless young man takes a pizza delivery job, but when he is mistakenly given the kiss of death by a psychotic mafia boss, he must outsmart the mob to survive and save the love of his life.

There is no indication that the "love of his life" is in danger or in need of being saved. You can tighten up the logline by dropping that part: When a down-and-out pizza delivery man is mistakenly given the kiss…
on ?Liam Santos comes to town to become a great artist, there he meets and falls in love with Fabio Grun, a successful young lawyer.? A car accident leaves the couple in a coma, only one of them can live thanks to the heart of one of them and thus be able to fulfill their dreams. —

An interesting idea, but the concept needs a bit more work. A car accident might leave a person brain dead and make them an organ donor candidate, but a car accident is very unlikely to leave a person with a…
on An alluring Irish banker who is terminally ill must race against time to convince her ex-boyfriend and American baseball star that her 10-year-old daughter is his.

In what sexist world is a terminally ill woman "alluring"? What illness makes a woman nearing her deathbed, look, according to Oxford, "mysteriously attractive; seductive"? And to whom? Closet necrophiliacs? Please, try to dignify a woman facing death with some…
on A basketball star must battle his vengeful mother’s attempt to sabotage his championship hopes when a posthumous letter from his long-lost dad reveals the young man was abducted and raised under a false identity. ★ Accepted

The way I read this: The young man's mother has given him a letter from his dead father revealing that she ran away with the young man (who I assume is her own son since you say nothing about his…
on On the cusp of the 23rd century,? our world has almost completely succumbed to global warming, forcing all inhabitants to live in one giant, multi-cultured community. Racism, greed, destruction, and chaos run amok with no end in sight. Every citizen is forced to pick up weapons to either slaughter or protect. A young adult and his best friend enlist in a government-owned team of fighters, whose main goal is to stop the spread of corruption and save humanity from the brink of extinction. ★ Accepted

First, at 83 words, it is much too long. Try to keep a logline under 40 words, whereby shorter is better. Second, your logline is all background and setting, there is no inciting incident that kicks off the story and…
on 1960 (USA) Two criminals parked roadside, one black, one white, they wait for money to be picked up, but a battle of wits breaks out resulting in one being shot and the money disappearing.

Not sure if this is a summary of the whole movie or just the opening scene. Either way, why should we care when two criminals fight over money and one gets shot? Last week a similar incident occurred not far…
on A college basketball star, abducted and raised under an alias by his addicted mother must jeopardize his shot at the championship when he sets out to find his long-lost dad.

In your previous logline I commented that the main characters were not driving the story. This logline proves my point as you have the same story but different characters. Again, how does he know he was abducted? If his mother…
on A faith-driven basketball star must prove his true identity or miss the playoffs when he discovers his godless mother abducted and raised him under an alias.

The conflict between the "faith-driven" young man and his "godless" mother is clear, but everything else is a muddle. How does he find out he is abducted? To whom does he have to prove his true identity?? Why? Is membership…
on After a great war in Averia, a former female assassin seeking redemption is taken under the wing by a noble family, where she must learn to navigate high society while keeping her real identity a secret from the people that hunt her.

The premise is nice, but a premise alone is not enough. What is the inciting incident? What is the woman's goal? See the Formula link at the top of the page for hints.Also, you've placed this in the Fantasy genre,…
on After they spend a night together falling in love, a couple part ways because of WWII, and years later, the man, presumed dead, turns up at her hometown to win her back – only to discover she is married.

When it comes to Romance stories, this is one of my favorite plots. Unfortunately, that is the main problem with your logline. Since this is a well know plot, you have to tell us what sets your story apart from…
on A 19-year-old must bomb an LGBT community centre to re-enter her familial cult and free the secretly gay younger sister she failed to escape with one year earlier.

The title suggests this is going to be a satire, while the logline suggests a thriller, however, you've classified this as a drama. In a drama it is the relationships between the principle characters that drives the story forward, not…
on After a heated fallout with her former band mate, a determined singer signs a deal with a ruthless CEO unknowingly in the gangster lifestyle, who fills her head with promises and solo stardom, as she forms a greed dictated rivalry with her formal partner that culminates to tragedy.

You need to pare down the premise to find the center of your story. For example, the inciting incident is probably not the singer's fallout with her old band, but the signing of the contract with the mobster, who by…
on An abused teen is suspected of murdering his bully and has 48 hours to prove his innocence before the police find out he blackmailed the bully.

As Nir says, the time frame is too arbitrary. It might take the police hours, days or weeks to trace online photos back to their source. There are too many factors at play. Furthermore, it is not clear whether the…
on When her baby sister is taken by a dark spirit, a Chippawa girl must go on a journey to find Asibikaashi, spider women to help save her sister.

Is Asibikaashi a proper name, or just "spider woman" in another language? If the former, you can drop it as proper names don't belong in longlines. If the latter, you can drop "spider woman" and just use "the Asibikaashi". But…

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Loglines

? When a distraught chemist evades culpability for killing her overbearing boss during a heated argument, she must fend off a psychotic blackmailer?s escalating demands.

When her male colleagues wager on her best friend’s chastity, a woman remains silent; when the bet ends in rape, she seeks redemption through vengeance.

Recent reviews