tschrack

Recent reviews

• on An impulsive 14-year-old goes to epic lengths and sparks a national emergency trying to find case of beer to impress his older brother.

  Thanks so much!

• on An impulsive 14-year-old goes to epic lengths and sparks a national emergency trying to find case of beer to impress his older brother.

  To impress his older brother, an impulsive teen goes to epic lengths and sparks a national emergency trying to find case of beer for him.

• on An impulsive 14-year-old goes to epic lengths and sparks a national emergency trying to find case of beer to impress his older brother.

  Thanks Ben! Do you think it's stronger starting with "To impress his older brother?" That does announce the stakes right off the bat... I also like teen more than 14-year-old... I assume you agree?

• on After having broken up with her partner, a woman overhears a young couple that is falling apart and attempts to save their relationship.

  I'd be interested in hearing the "why" here. Is she trying to fill her relationship void through them? Overcome something?

• on When two friends wake up to a sunless morning, they learn their roommate hasn’t come home from last night. After a failure to contact him or anyone else, they venture outside in an attempt to understand this anomaly.

  Feels like you might be telling two separate stories here. Can you combine them into one fluid storyline?

• on A woman seeks vengeance against two men who made her life a living hell, her husband and a corrupt lawyer, but after she sets them up to kill on another, she struggles to prove her innocence when the police discover she had reason to kill them.

  Hmm. This feels a bit long. Compelling but a bit too many words to get the point across. Could you start it with "When a *adj* woman orchestrates her husband and lawyer to kill each other, one cop connects the…

• on A teenage girl discovers a talking cat only to find out she must return him to his owners in 1970s Stockholm.

  I agree. Let us know what happens if he doesn't return the cat. Bad idea: could the teenage girl be mute and the cat speaks for her? I don't think we need 1970s or Stockholm. It does read like a…

• on When a future millionaire obsessed with time travel sets in motion his evil plan to achieve it, a high school boy with superpowers tries to stop the future catastrophe.

  I'm also not sure who the protagonist is. The high schooler sounds like the antagonist.

• on When a future millionaire obsessed with time travel sets in motion his evil plan to achieve it, a high school boy with superpowers tries to stop the future catastrophe.

  Maybe instead of using "future" twice, you could use "imminent" the second time? Or slim it down even further: When an obsessive time traveler has everything in place to get his future millions, a superpowered high-schooler is the only thing…

• on A young woman decides to follow her sister’s footsteps into the music industry gets derailed when she gets in a car accident.

  Anything you could describe the young woman as, instead of young, that alludes to a flaw that will be fixed? What caused her to decide? The logline reads more like an inciting incident/catalyst than a logline itself. It might start…

• on When his sister is taken, a rule-loving fiddler crab breaks out of his shell and dives claw first into a global climate crisis to save her.

  Thanks for your reply. Bisque made me chuckle! All good points to consider.

• on As a compulsive gambler watches a game that could erase his huge debt to a dangerous bookie, he thinks about how he got to this point and everything he has at stake.

  Hi John - great story idea! I agree with Philippe that the ingredients are there but the hook is missing. Right off the bat "watches" is kind of a vanilla verb. If you keep this logline, maybe a more vivid…

• on When his sister is taken, a rule-loving fiddler crab breaks out of his shell and dives claw first into a global climate crisis to save her.

  Thanks for your thoughts! Great stuff.

• on When a self-centered young talented musician lusting for the lifestyle of a rockstar, scores him and his band of brothers a chance to be signed and mentored by one of the music industry’s big time acts, he must wrestle with the rewards and pitfalls of stardom in the music industry as an artist and become a better man to those around him.

  What you have here is a synopsis. Let's get it short and snappy. For example, it takes 5 words to describe our protagonist. Can you get that down to 2-3? Maybe "A selfish drummer" or "young drummer" and mention his…

• on A young extraordinary adventurer lead his friends on misadventures and learn life lessons along the way.

  I think we need more here. I'm not compelled just yet. What is the misadventure, what are the stakes, and what can go wrong? Also, is there a word you could find that could combine young & adventurer? Or you…

• on Following an unsettling incident on a night out, a young woman’s adverse reaction awakens an uncontrollable craving for human flesh.

  I don't think you can withhold the story points here. What is the inciting incident, what is the adverse reaction and what happens if she can't control her craving for human flesh? Maybe checkout the logline for Santa Clarita Diet…

• on In the year 2112, Tom Sawyer discovers a guitar, forbidden by The Priests of Syrinx. Embracing The Spirit of Radio, Tom wants to express his Freewill through music. Forced to Fly By Night, he uncovers a secret Closer to the Heart that threatens the governing technocracy.

  Was he transported to 2112, already establishing a sci-fi element? Or is this a new story? Overall, I think you could get your three sentences down to one by eliminating repetition. This sounds a lot like the stage play "We…