SydneyPaul

Recent reviews

• on When women are refused jobs at the city's largest company, a group of women must overcome backward attitudes, language barriers, poverty and tradition to ignite a community battle from the factory gates to the highest courts, for equality.

  Thanks all for feedback. Indeed we are 'prosecuting' the idea! The project is in development, see www.JobsForWomenfilm.com A little background - it's a true story, that began in 1980 in Wollongong, Australia, where women were outright refused jobs by BHP,…

• on 'The only straight player on an all-gay football team is engaged to the daughter of a disapproving, homophobic dinosaur. With his team aiming for the final, he struggles for his father-in-law's blessing, who just so happens to be the league's top referee'

  Agree with the above. I'm sure there are all-gay football teams (whatever the code), but can't think why there would be all-gay + one straight? Possibly more plausible would be an all-gay team with straight coach (similar to an all-women…

• on A woman's ghost appears to her husband to try and prevent his suicide and convince him to go on living. The longer she stays the less chance she has of entering heaven and the harder it is for him to move on.

  How about: "With her grief ridden husband spiralling toward suicide, a recently dead woman has the chance for a ghostly return to convince him to go on - yet every minute she stays reduces her chance to enter heaven." The…

• on A mute man is graced with the power to read minds. As he climbs the social ladder he struggles to work out his place in society.

  The concept of a mute man who can read minds is a good one, combining a serious weakness/hurdle (being mute) with a power/gift - lots of potential with this set up. But the 2nd sentence is a bit nothing -…

• on When a sailor's young son is taken out to sea by ghosts on his father's boat, the father struggles to get his son back after the superstitious townspeople refuse to be involved with a "haunted" boat.

  Looks interesting - here is the same idea tweaked a little, in case it helps: "When ghosts commandeer his boat and take his young son, a sailor has until dawn to overcome superstitious townspeople and assemble a rescue team to…

• on A woman who tries to raise her catatonic son on her own suddenly discovers a shocking secret about him.

  ....and then? This provides a dramatic set-up, but where does it go? We don't necessarily need to know what the shocking secret is, but we need to know that its discovery will compel certain action - "discovers a shocking secret…

• on Two brothers, one an ex-con and the other a divorced father of two kids, face the foreclosure of their family?s West Texas farm. They team for a skillfully-calculated bank robbing spree that puts them on a collision course with two Texas Rangers determined to take them down.

  A few thoughts on your idea: a) an 'ex-con' seems pretty stereotypical and unsurprising that they would rob a bank. It may work better with a less obvious teaming "a divorced father of two and his Buddhist sister....."? b) Why…

• on With armageddon approaching, a museum security guard with a background in psychology must destroy the Egyptian god of chaos, who is disguising himself as various museum employees while committing a grisly string of murders.

  Hi there - personally, I actually preferred some of the earlier attempts of this logline, where the focus was on the mysterious murders/deaths, the artifact, and the security guards role in trying to solve the mystery and save himself. When…

• on When a biochemical corporation manufactures implants that help millions live longer, they go from pariah to savior. But a longstanding critic remains unconvinced, and must battle the corporation and its backers to uncover the shocking secret behind the technology.

  Thanks all, as usual the feedback has greatly helped to clarify my thinking. I agree that the weakness of the original logline was not coming to the key conflict/story until the second sentence - the first sentence really gave backstory.…

• on An eskimo with a thirst for human flesh accidentally steals the identity of a popular quiz show host, leading to a one-of-a-kind spectacle of blood, blubber, and cash prizes.

  Gold. Pure gold. Anyone who kills, eats, and then impersonates a game show host has got me completely on side. The new host of course should get the highest ratings of all. Just get the Coen brothers to direct, and…

• on A former rodeo star unknowingly starts a rapport with a young man who is responsible for all of the violence that has suddenly gripped his small town.

  This tells us the potential for conflict, but really leaves it at that. So this ex rodeo star and the youth strike up some kind of relationship, and the youth is responsible for violence....then what? What kind of violence? What…

• on A successful attorney returns to his home town for his mother?s funeral only to discover that his Alzheimer?s-stricken father is suspected of murder and must represent him in court. The ordeal becomes an emotional journey that makes him a better man.

  This is fairly wordy...the second sentence in particular is mostly unnecessary (the ordeal makes him a better man is pretty much the arc we would assume). Should the attorney be 'successful'? If he was, we might be more inclined to…

• on Following the arrival of an ancient Egyptian artifact, museum employees begin to get murdered one by one. Now, a security guard who is dissatisfied with her job must solve the murders and catch the killer before she becomes the next victim.

  Interesting premise, paints a good picture. However you could tighten up the logline, and I'd also suggest leaving it more open as to who or what is responsible for the killing, given the mystery of the artifact (ie, is it…

• on In a near future where nothing is safe from corporate logos, a burnt out advertising worker rebels when his company markets his new born child.

  Wow. That is actually a little spooky. I had absolutely no idea that film existed, yet there is certainly quite the similarities (though not the question of a child). But the same name! Wow....guess I'll have to rejig this one....…

• on In a near future where nothing is safe from corporate logos, a burnt out advertising worker rebels when his company markets his new born child.

  You are right Karel and Kriss, thanks. While I started writing more on the nature of the rebellion, I scrapped it in favour of brevity. I'm learning that it's a fine balancing act between short and punchy, yet having enough…

• on When a mysterious organization starts hunting down a self-loathing shapeshifter who doesn't like using his powers, he and his reluctant girlfriend – the only one that knows his secret – are forced to either take them head-on or die trying.

  Hi - a few questions from the above that may help shape it.... * does the mysterious organisation have a motivation? (ie is opposed to shapeshifting / people with powers; is trying to get the powers for evil use, etc?)…

• on Desperate to be free of his well meaning but molly-coddling family, a fiesty free-spirited granddad fakes his own death – with unintended consequences.

  Spot on timmyelliot, thanks for that good feedback. What I've thought through the most, obviously, is the premise, which hopefully works. But the "unintended consequences" is much much too vague (a good lesson in the value of the logline in…

• on A reckless government agent learns his long lost brother is a test subject of a government experiment, leading him to team with terrorists to mount a rescue.

  I agree with Blajay very much - having the protag move out of his usual space provides conflict (if he is already 'reckless' then teaming up with terrorists aint a big move). Also, thinking about the 'terrorists' to make them…

• on While undercover, an earnest detective falls in love with a criminal. But when he aides her during a bust, the pair fight to escape the country together.

  I think the "but" needs clarification to give the twist that is implied, eg something like: "But when he aids her during a bust and they are forced to flee the country, the limits of love and loyalty will be…