OKBoomer

Recent reviews

• on A young woman struggles to cope with life in America after being orphaned by parents immigrated from war torn Lebanon.

  This is a little confusing. Can I suggest... When a young Lebanese immigrant is orphaned, she struggles with her new life in America. - or - When a young orphan flees war-torn Lebanon, she struggles with her new life in…

• on A young dream interpreter must investigate a political conspiracy conceived by a high-ranking official possessing the same extraordinary gifts.

  I don't understand how this is SciFi. Psychologists, and others, have been "interpreting" dreams for decades without any SciFi equipment. It feels like there is something missing from the logline, like how does the dream interpreter interpret dreams?

• on When a teenage girl realizes her big sister works as a prostitute to put herself through lawschool, she has to find a way to financially support her, without her sister finding out who the money comes from, or else she will not accept the help and continue with this self destructive work.

  You cannot assume that everyone reading this logline will share your view that the sister being a sex worker is a terrible thing. I recommend you take the judgment out of the logline, especially the bit about sex working being…

• on When a vicious king threatens the peace between the Gifted and Commoners in Athenia, a red headed thief, participates in an illegal ritual where she discovers, she is the last Moonkeeper. To stop the evil in the kingdom, she must take help by an angry warrior, a gold hearted prince and the next king in line with horrific powers, before the world as she knows it, disappears.

  It appears as if you have two inciting incidents; 1) A vicious king threatening peace, 2) she discovers she is the last Moonkeeper. So, I believe you have two options - 1) start with - When a vicious king threatens…

• on After decades of interplanetary warfare, a wealthy inventor leads a team of intrepid adventurers in perfecting a faster-than-light drive to safely scatter humanity among the stars, but greedy corporations and corrupt governments plot to take the technology and steal the future of the human race.

  I get the premise, however I'm not clear on what the main action will be for this story. Are the wealthy inventor's top scientists working in a secret lab trying to keep the details of their progress from prying eyes?…

• on After witnessing a murder, a young woman with autism teams up with a cop to name the serial killer in order for her to stop being targeted.

  Whose story is this, the young autistic woman's or the cop's? Whose PoV will we follow?

• on A geeky young woman discovers a book of fairytales that are set in a carnival in her town.

  This is the setup and the inciting incident. What happens next?

• on A disgraced ER doctor reinvents himself as an amphetamine cook getting entangled in helping members escape a community with a violent secret.

  This feels like two stories. One about an ER doc turned meth cook, and the other about someone helping people escape somewhere. Try starting with...After becoming entangled in a violent and secretive community, a disgraced ER doctor must...(insert second-act-main-action here).

• on After surviving cancer, a boxer comes out of retirement with the help of his coach.

  Why does he come out of retirement? What does he desire? What is he risking?

• on Discovering that her estranged father has stolen a map to Neverland, an independent rouge agrees to deliver it to a banished Captain Hook, battling against Peter Pan and his Lost Boys in the process.

  I don't get a sense of what is at stake here for the main character or the inhabitants of the story world. So what if Captain Hook gets his hands on the map? What happens to the main character if…

• on Driven to the edge of sanity, resigned to his fate, HUMPTIE de UMPTIE tries to commit suicide; when THE LITTLE LAMB arrives, hindering his every attempt to succeed.

  I don't get a sense of how this story will sustain a feature-length film. It will suffer from being multiple versions of the same scene, Humptie attempting suicide and the Lamb stopping him.

• on Every prophet assembles in Vedic woods when three missing children’s voyage inside the human brain unfolds a stunning battlefield where the devil imprisoned God for ages. A mission begins to liberate God while Buddha emerges as the last resort to unzip recession and stress from deceptive human life.

  Who owns the mission to liberate God? Whose story is this? Reading this logline it feels like there are three stories running simultaneously.

• on Before setting out to bring his estranged daughter back, an embattled doctor questions ethical behavior and makes a fateful decision to cheat the organ sharing waitlist.

  I did not read the additional text as the logline should stand alone. Where does the embattled doctor bring his daughter back from? Whose ethical behaviour is the doctor questioning? Who is the doctor cheating the organ sharing (sic) waitlist…

• on After a freak accident, a pacifist schoolteacher finds that his memories now include a combustive war veteran’s vengeance.

  I'm confused as to what is the event in your logline. Is it the freak accident or the gaining of the memories of a combustive war veteran? Either way, you need to tell us what the action is that the…

• on When a secret agent is served a burn notice to end his career, he must use his skills of deception and investigation to track down those responsible and get his job back. In the meantime, he’s open for hire to those who need his help.

  Why is it important for the ex-agent to get his job back? What is a stake if he doesn't?

• on When a frustrated intelligence analyst realises that she has unique insight into a series of international assassinations, she must level up into the world of global espionage to learn more about the sociopathic young woman who is doing the killing. But is this a deadly game of cat and mouse, or a love story?

  "But is this a deadly game of cat and mouse, or a love story?" - tacking this onto the end feels like a short cut. I recommend weaving the relationship line into the actual logline as this speaks to the…

• on When unscrupulous salesperson Eleanor accidentally ends up in the Heaven-like Good Place in a case of mistaken identity, she must learn to pass as a good person if she is to avoid discovery and be cast into the Hellish torment of the Bad Place.

  Nice. You've included a flaw for the MC and her predicament/story world in a way that shows how they will be in conflict. And even managed to squeeze in the stakes.

• on When a pie-maker with the ability to bring people back from the dead, revives his child-hood sweetheart, he and his detective side kick work to find her killer before the killer strikes again.

  Is the pie making integral to this story concept? If so, it is not clear from your logline. If not, perhaps leave it out. It seems unusual that a pie maker would have a detective as a sidekick. It is…

• on When corporate threatens their branch with downsizing, a clueless office manager protects his quirky staff from the news by operating as though nothing has changed.

  Is this the logline for an episode or for a season? It is hard to imagine that the office manager could keep this quiet for more than a few episodes.

• on When an emotionally shallow and hedonistic man inherits his father’s funeral home, he must confront his own mortality in order to keep the family business afloat and build a more meaningful life for himself.

  How are the funeral home and the hedonistic man intrinsically linked? It seems like he could just sell the funeral home and move on, spending the money on himself which would presumably be in character.