MitchW

Logliner · 293 points

7 points to Logliner

11 loglines
20 reviews

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Logliner

Loglines

When a time-traveling syndicate captures the Atlas of Time’s guardian, his three children must unlock it’s secrets to preserve history and resuce their father.

March 8, 2024
When his sister disappears in a magic-reliant space colony, a new wizard must break free to find her; but when he discovers they are not in space he must learn to not blindly follow, become a leader, and rally the people to take out the president before others are killed.

August 30, 2022
When a unconfident man becomes the hunted while taking a hunting course he must find a way to survive and take out his would be killer.

April 13, 2022
After receiving an email to partake in a heist experience, an intrepid engineering student and his friends must work out how to rob a casino; but when they discover the heist is real, they must find the creators and expose them before they’re caught.

August 8, 2021
When an Earth colony ship teacher discovers his government is hiding information and executing it’s citizens, he must find a way to hide from the governments watchful eyes and rebel; but when his friends are captured he must find a way to overthrow the government to save his friends and free his people.

May 26, 2021
When an adventurous village boy is sought-after by a giant for tricking his dragon friend, he must venture into the unknown to stop the giant’s plans to destroy the village.

November 12, 2020
When a village boy is given up for sacrifice to avoid a Giant and a Dragon destroying the village, he must find a way to escape before being cooked into dumplings.

August 24, 2020
When an explorer’s ancient necklace is stolen, she must retrieve it before it is used for evil.

December 2, 2019
When a medieval princess releases an evil spirit that intends to murder her husband, she must find a way to destroy the spirit and save her husband.

January 2, 2018
When a Goth Detective is tasked with solving a murder at a very optimistic circus, he must solve the case to be able to escape the happiness.

May 20, 2017
When an alien satellite causes all of Earth’s transmissions suddenly stop, a retired physicist must find a way to bring them back.

June 6, 2016

Recent reviews

on “A caregivers journal, with accounts of her experience, gets in the hand of a young person revealing many hidden secrets.”

I think you should check out the example page and have a look at the formula used by most loglines. At the moment this idea never really ends. Or it's just a person sitting in a room reading a journal.…
on When an orphaned French aristocrat must confront his estranged father, who means to kill him, he is shanghaied by Confederate pirates and cast into the backwoods of the Civil War, where he joins a band of notorious bushwhackers to survive.

I think the character and inciting incident are there but joining the bushwhackers to survive isn't the greatest. The reason I think this is that it's a very open ended goal. He could continue 'surviving' indefinitely. You need to have…
on A peasant and a magician team up to find a magic flute that grants wishes.

You should check out the formula page on this site. For a compelling story your character should be forced into this scenario. You need to add an inciting incident that pushes them into needing this flute. Also i would pick…
on Forrester´s old Apartment is now a gang infested slum where Jamal has fallen on drunken times, and a genius savant gangster discovers the one man who can make his life wonderful – the famous Mr. Wallace.

I would recommend checking out the formula page. A logline needs to have three things: A character, an event, and an action. At the moment you just have a character. Based on your synopsis I'm imagining something like this: When…
on In a future where children must be raised by AI, the director of the largest AI firm risks arrest and death when she chooses to raise her infant son by herself.

I think you need something that forces her to make this decision. I don't see an event that triggers her to make this decision other than she just wants to. You need to show a reason for why she HAS…
on A horse rider develops a relationship with a woman in order to help overcome her fear of horses.

Completely agree with Lotcher. I would recommend you check out the formula section of the site to see a good outline for writing loglines. Along with Lotcher's comments your logline also doesn't have an event. Something needs to happen to…
on A young woman’s life turn upside down when she joins a secret agency to fend off her bullies.

I'm still not seeing a clear connection between all your elements. What is the inciting incident for your story? Why would a secret agency arrest a random girl for weed? Why would they let a random girl join said secret…
on To save a retirement home from bankruptcy, its uptight director must convince her estranged, obnoxious father to make a significant donation, or face losing her job and custody of her daughter. But when he insists on playing a role in running the home, the director must balance the need to keep her father’s money with the increasing annoyance of the home’s residents with the coarse intruder.

Hey, I think Odie's response is an improvement. However I think it's missing an action. At the moment there isn't a solution to the problem in either logline which means the movie could go on forever. How does the uptight…
on After believing that his son is possessed, a former sinful man learns that the spirit is son’s mother whom the man had shot dead a few years ago and she wants revenge

This logline doesn't have an action. Who is the protagonist? I'm assuming it's the sinful man but the logline reads as though the mother could be the protagonist. If it's the man that's the protagonist what does he do once…
on A young woman’s life turn upside down when she joins a secret agency to fend off her bullies.

The event could be that she begins being bullied and that's what pushes her to a secret agency. But I'm not so sure how you'll be able to connect those two things. If it's a secret agency how does she…
on A young woman’s life turn upside down when she joins a secret agency to fend off her bullies.

It doesn't look like there is an event that causes her to take this path. Loglines need three elements an Event (Inciting Incident), a character that that event happens to, and the the action the character takes as a result…
on When an explorer’s ancient necklace is stolen, she must retrieve it before it is used for evil.

Update: When her ancient necklace, which is also the key to a witch's tomb, is stolen by a descendant of the witch, an inexperienced explorer must retrieve the necklace before the evil is released.
on When an explorer’s ancient necklace is stolen, she must retrieve it before it is used for evil.

Updated Logline: When her ancient necklace, which is also the key to a tomb full of horrors, is stolen by a descendant of the corpse, a spry young explorer must retrieve the necklace before the evil is released.
on Two ex-Navy divers fight both dread and fear as they are commissioned by the War Dept. to dive on the ship they served on, the USS Arizona.

I would probably choose a single diver as your main character to begin with. But also you don't have a goal yet. You should read the formula page on this site and re write this logline. You need to make…
on When a Goth Detective is tasked with solving a murder at a very optimistic circus, he must solve the case to be able to escape the happiness.

Ok so I've updated my logline based on the feedback and I've slightly changed the story because I don't necessarily want it to be a murder anymore, but here goes:When a clown unexpectedly dies while touring, a Goth Detective is…
on When a Goth Detective is tasked with solving a murder at a very optimistic circus, he must solve the case to be able to escape the happiness.

Good point! I guess I meant that the people running the circus were optimistic, although that seems to be a lot harder to fit into a logline. When a Goth Detective is tasked with solving a murder at a circus…
on A dark, sinister agent tears apart once inseparable brothers into fierce, hateful rivals as he plots to destroy the protagonist and his family for opposing his rule as a demi-god on ancient Earth.

Maybe you could try something like this: When a demi-god tears a loving brother from his family, he must find a way to destroy the rule the demi-god has over ancient Earth and reunite with his family.
on An aspiring young actor searches for love, which he so desperately wants, from others but not from within himself.

At the moment you don't have a functioning logline. This story is full of an inner journey but there is no external goal or an event that drives the character towards that goal. When an aspiring?young actor takes on a…
on Planet Earth is under alien occupation by the Reptilian Armada and their High Commander Rigel, is in search of his future Queen Sasha. Bound by a prophecy; Rigel and Sasha will marry bringing forth a child blending the bloodlines and forming an alliance between both their planets.

From what I've read it seems like you're writing the High Commander as the main character. I agree with the others that Sasha should be the main character so that you can have your audience empathise with her, but at…
on When an alien satellite causes all of Earth’s transmissions suddenly stop, a retired physicist must find a way to bring them back.

Yeah I definitely agree with all of these comments. I will come up with an improved logline and upload it soon.