Key Payton

Recent reviews

• on A desperate CEO’s legally ambiguous plans to save his company are undermined when he is blackmailed by a mysterious ex-employee.

  In my suggested logline, I used "benevolent" to increase the logline's irony (nearly always a good thing in a logline). When you've got a CEO using dubious means to save his corporation, it's more ironic if the corporation is benevolent…

• on When a disheartened pastor?s one-time love turned wild celebrity whirls back into his small town, he falls for her, not knowing if she will be his ruin or his revival.

  I agree with steveylang that this has rom-com potential. Here's my suggested version: ?When a disheartened pastor's small town is ?graced? by the return of his one-time-lover-now-turned-major-celebrity, he must?struggle?between his still-strong attraction, what he thinks best for?the community, and how…

• on A desperate CEO’s legally ambiguous plans to save his company are undermined when he is blackmailed by a mysterious ex-employee.

  My suggestion: "When a?desperate CEO sets out to save his benevolent company using dubious means, he finds his reason for existence?in the blackmailing clutches of??a?mysterious woman who says she once worked for him."

• on The ruler of militant state decides to make war against the peaceful Flavestina and conquer it. Relying on his army, he doesn’t at once accept his Astrologer’s advice: to use magic for sure victory. The magic ritual, however, will require stealing the Golden Cup from the altar of the Temple of the Sun in Flavestina. Army and magic against love and courage: who will win?

  Your logline is simply too long; 50 words should be your ultimate limit, and closer to only 25 words would be much better. Also, logline readers don't have time to learn your whole story world's mythology, so trim out all…

• on At the turn of the 20th century, after an affair with a young Catholic Nun, a priest is enveloped in her kidnap and public fight against his Church, until finally, he renounces his faith to be with her on her deathbed.

  I agree with FFF: Your logline should NOT give away the end of your movie. And you should make the priest's inner struggle more obvious: Is he a "devout" priest who finds himself doing all this stuff? Is he an…

• on A law-abiding citizen finds himself in a notorious gangland bar awaiting the arrival of his future self: a killer on the run who needs his help to stay alive.

  Sounds too much like "Looper."

• on When a governmental Space Station gets taken by a terrorist organisation, its headstrong Chief Architect must escape upon learning that the terrorists have also kidnapped her disabled husband back on earth.

  My version, obviously speculating on several story points: "When a rogue commander takes over the Confederation's central space station, the station's headstrong architect must use the station's "secrets" to try and distract the commander's troops while also rescuing their captives,…

• on After waking from a coma, a young girl with Amnesia searches for clues to her past while battling demonic creatures who stand in the way of her discovering her destiny.

  My version: "A girl wakes from a coma and realizes she has amnesia; after escaping the hospital to go in search of her past, she finds that when demons REALLY want to keep you from your destiny, they can hide…