-
on
Nearing the end of his parole and looking to put his criminal past behind him, an ex-con?s plans are derailed by the arrival of two former prison buddies, one with a bullet wound and the other with a plan to rob the local bank.
Thanks for all the great responses!
-
on
A troubled teen and his mother relocate to a small town where he attends a school run by a syndicate of bullies who terrorize students and teachers alike. A former bully himself he?s legally forbidden to engage in violent action ? instead he trains a group of outcasts how to defend themselves.
This is a revision based on Lachie's notes. When a troubled teen on probation for bullying relocates to a new school he must train a group of outcasts to defend themselves against bullies who are far worse than him.
-
on
Downfall
You have a lot of the meat in that first line and lose steam with the second line. Not knowing your story I'm guessing the element of "pressure" is something more mysterious or wider in scope than simply a life…
-
on
A troubled teen and his mother relocate to a small town where he attends a school run by a syndicate of bullies who terrorize students and teachers alike. A former bully himself he?s legally forbidden to engage in violent action ? instead he trains a group of outcasts how to defend themselves.
I agree with what you're saying and you're right it does need to be distilled down for more impact and clarity. It is a bit clunky and we're all on the same page with "legally forbidden". Thank you, Lachie.
-
on
A troubled teen and his mother relocate to a small town where he attends a school run by a syndicate of bullies who terrorize students and teachers alike. A former bully himself he?s legally forbidden to engage in violent action ? instead he trains a group of outcasts how to defend themselves.
I was working on that being one of the factors. Thank you, Victor.
-
on
A troubled teen and his mother relocate to a small town where he attends a school run by a syndicate of bullies who terrorize students and teachers alike. A former bully himself he?s legally forbidden to engage in violent action ? instead he trains a group of outcasts how to defend themselves.
Excellent point, Gabriel. I definitely need to revisit that to clarify.
-
on
Rosie, a successful businesswoman, finds herself floundering in the search for her one true love. When a handsome stranger comes into her life she must decide if she?s ready to settle down, or if there?s more to life than white picket fences.
If Rosie's desire is to find true love then there is something missing in the log line that presents a reason for her to question if finding that person is what she truly wants. Just as an example - if…
-
on
When a self conscious Bunny is fired from his job and kicked out of the North Pole by Santa Claus, he then leaves in search of a way to create his own magical day, until the pressure of making a holiday becomes too much.
I like the idea of the bunny wanting his own holiday, but if this is for kids you might reconsider the portrayal of Santa as a person who would fire an insecure, presumably cute and relatable bunny. I'd look deeper…
-
on
Swashbuckling adventure of Alan as he breaks out of jails and leads a wandering lifestyle until he meets the love of his life which changes his life and leads him to be a detective.
Consider a more focused approach, who is he and why is Alan swashbuckling? What world is he in that swashbucklers become detectives? "love of his life, which changes his life" is a bit clunky. You might consider more vibrant language…
