deborah_b

796 points

1,704 points to Mentor

2 loglines
24 reviews

Loglines

A teenager must confront the father she put in prison before he wreacks havoc on her life and ruins her first chance at love.

March 5, 2020
When a terminal patient becomes immortal, she must uncover the secret that saved her life; but when she discovers she’s the target of a military conspiracy, she fights to?protect her unborn child.

August 2, 2019

Recent reviews

on ?When her husband tragically dies, a depressed young widow honors his last wish to pass along his sacred heirloom to their firstborn son; otherwise, a generation of blessings will turn to generations of curses. But after a ruthless adversary steals the heirloom, ?the widow struggles to retrieve it before an evil curse is brought upon her son.

Hey Melissa! I feel like your logline is basically this: a ruthless adversary steals the heirloom, the widow struggles to retrieve it before an evil curse is brought upon her son. With a bit of tidy-up. Like: When a ruthless…
on After a heated fallout with her former band mate, a determined singer signs a deal with a ruthless CEO unknowingly in the gangster lifestyle, who fills her head with promises and solo stardom, as she forms a greed dictated rivalry with her formal partner that culminates to tragedy.

Cool concept. You've got some nice specifics. Maybe too many. ;) I'd start with your protagonist and give her one goal. I feel like she's got 2 goals here: a) success (I figure it's 'success', since she's determined in some…
on After being hired by the CIA as a mercenary, a man teams up with four other mercenaries to stop drug lords from taking a plane hostage.

I like the idea of outlaws (i.e. mercenaries) having to operate inside the law. And I like the idea of 4 loners coming together to form a team. So I'm on board with the concept. What I'm wondering is: do…
on In a future where the wealthy live above the smog in floating cities, a group of scavengers ? led by a buoyant teen ? make the seemingly impossible ascent from the barren earth below in search of essential supplies for their people.

I would watch this. :) I'm not sure how much worldbuilding you really need in your logline. How about something like: A rebellious teen leads a group of scavengers on a dangerous hunt for supplies in an elite city floating…
on When the town bully humiliates him, a mild-mannered cowboy sets out to reclaim his dignity, only to accidentally kill the man, and set off his violent outlaw family.

Nice concept. I wonder if you can minimise the clauses somehow. The number of commas made the story feel too slow. Something like: When a gentle cowboy sets out to reclaim his dignity against a local standover man, he accidentally…
on A military veteran eagerly tries to start the next chapter of his life but runs into Murphy’s Law at pretty much every turn, testing his resiliency.

Your version 2.0 is way clearer and is definitely giving me a better vision of your story. The last clause (about the deceptive roommate) feels like it's a different beat to the rest, somehow. Maybe because a specific antagonist is…
on When dark and disturbing children’s drawings come alive. Its creator, a little girl distressed and insecure, must face and erase these drawings from her life before they control her forever.

Great concept! I like your second revision. It's not clear to me, though, what the stakes are in that second revision. WHY must she find a way to get rid of her disturbing art creations, and HOW are they tormenting…
on A jealous mediocre court composer blocks the career and plots the death of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

Good film! > A jealous mediocre court composer blocks the career and plots the death of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. I would tinker with it this way: A jealous composer plots the death of his rival, the more talented Wolfgang Amadeus…
on A military veteran eagerly tries to start the next chapter of his life but runs into Murphy’s Law at pretty much every turn, testing his resiliency.

I would start by working out specifically what the next chapter of his life is. For example, if he's restoring his grandfather's house or counselling troubled teens or reconciling with his daughter, or picking up where he left off in…
on A teenager must confront the father she put in prison before he wreacks havoc on her life and ruins her first chance at love.

Thanks again for the insightful comments, team. I am enjoying this logline pinball and will continue to think the concept through ...!
on A teenager must confront the father she put in prison before he wreacks havoc on her life and ruins her first chance at love.

A teenager tries to keep her life on the level when her con-artist dad gets out of prison and drives a wedge between her and the boy she's crushing on.
on A teenager must confront the father she put in prison before he wreacks havoc on her life and ruins her first chance at love.

Cheers all! Some good stuff here.
on A widower, coping with the suicide of her wife, must battle against a corrupt corporate superpower and control to her growing supernatural abilities to save her daughter who they claim does not exist.

I'm intrigued. I'm wondering where the daughter is, if it's possible to claim she doesn't exist. I'm also slightly confused by the worldbuilding: superpowers AND supernatural abilities (i.e. superpowers)? Maybe 'when her daughter goes missing, a grieving widow must take…
on After a plane crash strands him on a remote island, a hard-driving Fedex executive, who never had time for a personal life, now has all the time in the world to merely survive.

I don't respond to 'merely survive' as an intriguing goal. I think there's something more thematic available. Like: has to make a journey inside; travels inside to confront his own ...; makes an internal journey to the heart of what…
on A teenager must confront the father she put in prison before he wreacks havoc on her life and ruins her first chance at love.

Hmm, not sure I agree with all your points, mrliteral, but I'm intrigued by the exercise, so: A teenager is targetted by the ex-con father that?blames her for his arrest, and must risk being rejected by everyone she loves when…
on When in a village destroyed by war something in the shadows begins to haunt and torment him, a dreamy child must fight to survive and find some happiness along the way.

For me, I would swap the clauses so that the child appears first and then the village: A dreamy child must fight to survive when her village is destroyed by war. Then I'd try to hint at a specific goal…
on A teenager must confront the father she put in prison before he wreacks havoc on her life and ruins her first chance at love.

When her con-artist dad gets out of prison, a teenager must expose the secret she's been keeping before her father can use it to turn everyone she loves against her.
on A teenager must confront the father she put in prison before he wreacks havoc on her life and ruins her first chance at love.

Cheers, all!
on After undergoing an experiment for which a victim?s memory is implanted to him, a serial killer sentenced to death has 24 hours before he suffers irreversible brain damage to find another serial killer and obtain his pardon.

I'm intrigued. I thought of Escape from New York. :) I wondered why you needed a serial killer to do this job? He has the victim's memories, but his other skills seem to be: killing. Wouldn't you be better off…
on In a grayscale world, a man gets obsessed with the window in his new room beyond which the world is colorful

I like it. I immediately wondered if there's a danger to the colour. Have you seen the video of Aunty Jack introducing colour TV to Australia? S/he is terrified that colour will change everything. When it finally seeps in the…

Loglines

A teenager must confront the father she put in prison before he wreacks havoc on her life and ruins her first chance at love.

When a terminal patient becomes immortal, she must uncover the secret that saved her life; but when she discovers she’s the target of a military conspiracy, she fights to?protect her unborn child.

Recent reviews