cynosurer

Recent reviews

• on Home Invasion – A brilliant engineer and his family get trapped in their home when his highly sophisticated, prototype security device goes rogue.

  Any chance the security device is an android dog ?(SPOT - Security Prototype Of Tomorrow) who goes rogue when the scientist develops and introduces Canny the?android cat nanny. Now that would be fun and uncanny. ?Title suggestion: Spot on Canny.Okay…

• on An unknown, white, Republican candidate runs for office in a poor, Democratic, black neighborhood, setting up his headquarters in a Baptist church where the congregation is hesitant to support him.

  DPG, Sorry for the delay in responding. I thought I'd get a notice if someone reviewed my logline. I hadn't and didn't think to check till now. ?As to your concerns: It's state senate but I disagree that that is…

• on After the mysterious arrival of a stolen diamond and her missing brother's diary, an art forgery expert discovers that her long lost family was involved in an unsolved international crime, and is forced on a quest through the dark catacombs of Siberia to discover the truth

  So many disconnects, as Nir pointed out. I'll add just two more. How does and art fraud investigator's background relate to a jewel theft? Why does she go to Europe when Siberia is in Asia? ?I had to google Siberian…

• on A revengeful ghost uses their tablet PC to plague a young family. The young mother saves them – at the cost of a horrific sacrifice.Logline:

  Agree with the previous posters. Tighten it up and highlight the hero. Example to highlight the mother: A young mother fights to save her family from a vengeful ghost who haunts them through their tablets. Horrific sacrifice tells us nothing.…

• on An insecure process server becomes the target of a serial killer and teams up with a private investigator to catch the killer and regains his self confidence.

  An insecure person has no self confidence to regain as they never had it. You need a different word for regain or ?change the protag description.

• on Al Qaeda unwittingly recruit Inspector Clouseau for their Final Mission.

  I love the title. It really makes the logline work. That being said, using a franchised character may present all kinds of hurdles. Doing so makes the logline justifiably short. As much as I'd like to recommend rewriting it without…

• on The great British icon suffers the slings and arrows of outrageous farce when an illiterate English twit, Will, and a black fry cook, Shakespeare, team up to become the world?s single greatest playwright.

  Geno, did you miss my storyline logline or just not like it? From above: An illiterate English twit, Will, and a black fry-cook, Shakespeare must convert The Beggars Guild into a Theatre Troupe before the sheriff decides to jail them…

• on The great British icon suffers the slings and arrows of outrageous farce when an illiterate English twit, Will, and a black fry cook, Shakespeare, team up to become the world?s single greatest playwright.

  Thanks Carllord, I hope that is not the case with "the Great British icon' and I think the title, Will 'n Shakespeare, and character names, Will 'n Shakespeare, helps with that a bit. :C) Debbiemoon, I had a logline that…

• on When a basketball star learns of his own childhood abduction and time lost with his now deceased father, emotions and fears become his fiercest rival, putting the national championship in jeopardy.

  Much, much better! There's a little clunkiness with "and time lost with his now deceased father' but that's going to be a hard concept to 'clean' up. If I think of anything I'll let you know. But, still a winner…

• on When a struggling home economics teacher is diagnosed with cancer he opens a bakery to "raise the dough" and secure a financial future for his family.

  When a struggling meth dealer is diagnosed with cancer he converts his meth lab to a bakery. But to secure a financial future for his family he must crank out counterfeit Twinkies.

• on When a kung-fu gang cripples a Chinese chef, a young Australian food critic must learn to cook and fight to save an ancient, mystical duck recipe.

  Love the title but I think it it works better for me as: Duck, Duck, KungPOW. But, considering I went ther immediately, it may not be better.

• on Wealthy British aristocrat attempts to start over by relocating with his trusty maid to Beverley Hills. Becoming an unlikely hero, continuously saving the day, just wasn?t in the plans.

  Don't know why people are always so worried about 'giving it away'. If I gave you the logline for Star Wars or Jaws or Texas Chainsaw Massacre doesn't mean you could come up with the characters or much else. There's…

• on When a kung-fu gang cripples a Chinese chef, a young Australian food critic must learn to cook and fight to save an ancient, mystical duck recipe.

  Cheese and duck? Don't think so. Could use some spicing up though. Not really savoring this one.

• on Wealthy British aristocrat attempts to start over by relocating with his trusty maid to Beverley Hills. Becoming an unlikely hero, continuously saving the day, just wasn?t in the plans.

  I think I like this idea a lot. Of course what I have in my head may be quite different than what you have. So a few questions. Why is he starting over? He's moved to Beverly Hills so I…

• on When the government release swarms of drug eating insects to kill the junkie population a self-righteous policeman risks everything as he struggles to save his drug using sister from the tyrannical forces of prohibition.

  Thanks for the explanation. With that in mind you might consider making it more a part of the conflict than character description... in the logline A crusading policeman must reassess his self-righteous nature when a government plan to use mutant…

• on Revision: An unhappy couple enters the Wife Carrying Contest, per the request of a young rookie psychologist, in hopes that it will revitalize their marriage.

  And I'd go ahead and change the title to: The Wife Carrying Contest. Then you don't have to use it in your logline.

• on Revision: An unhappy couple enters the Wife Carrying Contest, per the request of a young rookie psychologist, in hopes that it will revitalize their marriage.

  Okay, I found out (from your previous post) what a wife carrying contest is. So now you need to figure out how to work the conflict into the logline. The wife is in it for the beer and the husband…

• on Revision: An unhappy couple enters the Wife Carrying Contest, per the request of a young rookie psychologist, in hopes that it will revitalize their marriage.

  'young' and 'rookie' are redundant (for a logline, yeah I know an old dude could be a rookie psych but that's not the usual assumptive leap). I have no idea what a "Wife Carrying Contest" so it has little impact…

• on When the government release swarms of drug eating insects to kill the junkie population a self-righteous policeman risks everything as he struggles to save his drug using sister from the tyrannical forces of prohibition.

  Oops! A slight fix to get it to 30 words: A secret plan to kill junkies with mutant insects projects a DEA agents?s ?casual use? sister as ?acceptable collateral damage?. He takes on a swarm of self-righteous administrators and bugs.

• on When the government release swarms of drug eating insects to kill the junkie population a self-righteous policeman risks everything as he struggles to save his drug using sister from the tyrannical forces of prohibition.

  Not sure I like the phrase 'self righteous'. With it's negative connotation you could be starting off with a hero nobody likes. That's okay in a script but in a logline it can be troublesome. It almost makes me want…