CatdFifth

Recent reviews

• on Bubble Gum, used as a last minute fix on Apollo 13, causes the explosion in space, absorbs cosmic energy, and meteors to earth where townfolk begin vaporizing from its deadly radiation.

  Hi there. Seems like you might have an interesting story, but the logline is very confusing. I suggest you reconstruct your sentence. What explodes, is it Apollo 13? What absorbs cosmic energy, the bubble gum or Apollo 13? What happens…

• on When Mouse, the smartest girl in school, and social outcast falls for the head cheerleader, Kat Sanders; She will have to pull every trick in the book to win her, the only trouble, Kat doesn't even know mouse exists… and likes boys.

  Intriguing story, sounds like it will be such fun. Not a regular cat and mouse story, that's for sure! :-) I'd work on the logline some more. Just a few edits on the current version: When Mouse, the smartest girl…

• on A struggling broke ex cop becomes entangled in the underworld when his friend tries to help him by kidnapping a pet which inadvertently belongs to a dreaded gangster and it's his lucky charm.

  Maybe the timing is unfortunate, but this sounds like a movie that's coming out soon :-) I think your sentence may need polishing, as it comes across as a run-off sentence and is awkward to read. But I think you…

• on A woman travels through parallel universes and discovers different lives, loves and losses. Now she must choose: should she stay in the life she might have had, or return to the one she has?

  Thank, Lachlan. I'm thinking of writing it as: Viv, a woman who travels through parallel universes and sees her different lives, must choose between the life she has and the one that might have been. Still sounds clunky, so I'll…

• on An Australian researcher, transforms her life, after meeting a Scottish SAS captain in London and making a commitment to meet him again in five years time, when he retires.

  Hi Phoenix. I think this sentence generates enough interest to hook readers, but as a logline, you may want to include the conflict or goal. Is it just to meet the captain again in 5 years, or something larger, more…

• on Vivienne's travels through her alternate realities and discovers different lives, loves and losses. Now she risks losing everything in order to have it all.

  Sorry about the typo--dang iPad :-) first word should be 'Vivienne', not Vivienne's,

• on A selfish teenager has until sunrise to rescue his devoted little sister from the place where dreams REALLY come from, or else they'll be trapped there forever.

  Nice one. Wasn't sure about 'selfish teenager', but I see how it really puts the character development up front, so that's great. Also like the impact of "where dreams REALLY come from". Good intriguing hook that grabs one's attention.

• on The only way the few remaining humans can survive the Vampire Apocalypse is by continually staying under the sunlight – but fuel, resources and transportation are running low.

  Good idea for a story, but I agree with Karel that specifying the protagonist would increase impact. I'd re-word the logline to make it less clunky. Maybe something like: "[Human survivors/protagonist] of the Vampire Apocalypse need[s] to stay out in…

• on To stop her ex-husband from stealing the Mona Lisa, a world-class cat burglar turned security expert must illegally install her own security in the Louvre.

  Good hook for what seems like an exciting sotry. Just wondering about the 'illegally install' the security system. Made me wonder: does she just want to stop her ex-husband from stealing the Mona Lisa, or does she want to steal…

• on Two men hunt the rogue crocodile that killed both their wives. One wants to save it, the other wants it dead!

  Very catchy... could also serve as a tagline almost. I don't have a problem with 'rogue' but 'monstrous crocodile' works just as well. It's very intriguing why the other widower would want to save it. I wonder if it might…