captaindooley

Logliner · 127 points

173 points to Logliner

Badges

on Ruby Fox, an electrokinetic woman, has to must discover the truth of her twisted past to save her daughter, who the government claims does not exist.

I don't feel any urgency or pressing need from this logline. Is she saving her daughter from crappy foster parents or is the government doing something to her?? I agree with Richiev too ? what do her powers have to…
on A disgraced mecha pilot searches for a cure to his ailing health against the government’s wishes. As he reunites his former comrades and combats pursuing government agents, he discovers the rogue AI responsible for his condition, and must stop it before its plans to “purify” the world come to fruition.

I agree with Trix, there's just too much here. Mecha didn't trip me up, but it is a good note if this is going to people who aren't deep into that branch of scifi. Depending on what your actual story/main…
on Aged out of foster care, Eric Grid needs to learn magic if he wants to become rich competing in a high stakes poker league controlled by the mafia.

It's an interesting leap to go from "want to earn money playing poker" to "must learn magic". I feel like this character must already have contact with the realm of magic to make that leap, so would it be better…