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When the Sheriff of Sweetwater, Mars stumbles on a plan to destroy the town to make room for an illegal worm farm, he and his friends have to defend the town from destruction by a megalomaniac Soybean Magnate.
The structure works: we know who, what's at stake, who's against him, and what he has to do. Where it gets clunky: "destroy" and "destruction" come back three times in close range, and "destruction by a megalomaniac Soybean Magnate" is a passive construction; flipping it to "from a megalomaniac SoybRead more
The structure works: we know who, what’s at stake, who’s against him, and what he has to do. Where it gets clunky: “destroy” and “destruction” come back three times in close range, and “destruction by a megalomaniac Soybean Magnate” is a passive construction; flipping it to “from a megalomaniac Soybean Magnate” picks up the pace.
See lessThe character description tells us his job but nothing about who he is as a person (“languid sheriff” or “self-centred weather man” would tell us how he behaves before the story even starts.)
The place names don’t earn their space either; a descriptor of the town and its world would tell us more than “Sweetwater, Mars” does. But the story is fun: an off-world Western with an illegal worm farm and a Soybean Magnate as antagonist places this on a sci-fi comedy shelf you can already see.
What’s missing is the sheriff’s personal stake. Defending a town reads generic until we know what he has to lose. And “megalomaniac” is the lazy version of the villain; a specific quirk on the Soybean Magnate would make him memorable.
An American teen is kidnapped by a Bangkok crime lord, who grooms her first as his protégé and then as his bride. But when she discovers he was her late mother’s his secret lover, she uses his methods to destroy him and seize his empire.
The logline runs 54 words across two sentences, which works quite well for the longer-logline shape with a Mid Point Reversal, where "But when" marks the MPR turn. I would even consider rolling it into one sentence. But that's personal preference. The structure maps cleanly: setup, action 1, MPR, acRead more
The logline runs 54 words across two sentences, which works quite well for the longer-logline shape with a Mid Point Reversal, where “But when” marks the MPR turn. I would even consider rolling it into one sentence. But that’s personal preference.
See lessThe structure maps cleanly: setup, action 1, MPR, action 2. The only problem: Action 1 is not the main character’s action, which means that in this logline our MC only becomes active after the MPR, which is late.
The character description is another weak spot. “An American teen” gives geography but no psychology (“languid sheriff” or “self-centred weather man” shows what a character intro should do).
But the story is intriguing: The kidnapping, the protégé-then-bride grooming, and the mother-as-secret-lover discovery promise a layered revenge tail with real dramatic stakes, and the “use his methods to destroy him” payoff connects the grooming setup to the third act in a satisfying loop. A typo to clean: “her late mother’s his secret lover” has an extra “his”. The material is heavy (grooming of a minor, forced marriage), so a single tonal cue in the logline would help us place the genre.
What’s wrong with these loglines? I can only view three at a time
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