1. Posted: July 27, 2018In:

    A mentally & physically abused teen witnesses the murder of his family. Now an Adult, he enacts revenge on the entire family responsible.

    CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter

    The only thing you need to add is some detail around the family responsible. Being specific in a logline that explains a well worn genre, like revenge. But you do get some free brain power from the reader because we all know what a revenge story looks like. The abuse adds to the depth of imagine I cRead more

    The only thing you need to add is some detail around the family responsible.

    Being specific in a logline that explains a well worn genre, like revenge. But you do get some free brain power from the reader because we all know what a revenge story looks like.

    The abuse adds to the depth of imagine I conjure when reading a logline.

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  2. Posted: July 25, 2018In:

    This is a personal spec

    Best Answer
    Mike Pedley Singularity

    >>>He discovers that they were responsible for the death of his fiancee. Surely that would be the inciting incident then. After discovering his family are responsible for his fianc?'s death... Sullen IT manager: I think there may be a better way to describe this guy. The characteristic (sulRead more

    >>>He discovers that they were responsible for the death of his fiancee.

    Surely that would be the inciting incident then.

    After discovering his family are responsible for his fianc?’s death…

    Sullen IT manager: I think there may be a better way to describe this guy. The characteristic (sullen) is usually something that can help represent the character’s internal arc in the story (selfish -> compassionate / sad -> happy) so think how you could use this to your advantage. By telling us he’s an IT Manager, we can assume that this comes into play somehow i.e. he uses his knowledge of technology to take down his family. If it has no bearing on the story then maybe make his profession something that could come into play.

    Hope this helps.

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  3. Posted: July 18, 2018In:

    When a woman is killed after stealing a memory, a washed up detective tracks her killer, who begins to taunt him with more victims and memories.

    Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai

    The mechanics of your story world are hard to grasp from this logline -- perhaps it's worth leaning more heavily on the human and easy to grasp aspect of the story. (Detective must catch a killer). That being the case: - it's not clear how the initial murder is connected personally to the detectiveRead more

    The mechanics of your story world are hard to grasp from this logline — perhaps it’s worth leaning more heavily on the human and easy to grasp aspect of the story. (Detective must catch a killer).

    That being the case:

    – it’s not clear how the initial murder is connected personally to the detective in question. It just feels like the character’s job … and even if that’s the case, it’s not like there is anything at stake if the protagonist fails in his goal beside faceless victims. (For instance, could the protagonist be about to be kicked off the force, and he needs to do this job well in order to keep his job?) Or — was the victim somehow linked to the protagonist?

    – it’s not clear WHY the antagonist is taunting this particular cop. What beef does he have with him? Why taunt him?

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