1. Posted: April 13, 2019In:

    A retired spy living the high life on the French Riviera must confront his dark, shameful past when he is blackmailed into entrapping a Nazi war criminal.

    Robb Ross Samurai

    So now the other guy lives in the FR?At least for now or yourself, go with a longer logline to nail the essentials.In 1962, a retired British agent living a life of pennance over collaborating with the Nazis is blackmailed into spying on an American agent with the same past and who's living large inRead more

    So now the other guy lives in the FR?

    At least for now or yourself, go with a longer logline to nail the essentials.

    In 1962, a retired British agent living a life of pennance over collaborating with the Nazis is blackmailed into spying on an American agent with the same past and who’s living large in the French Riviera. After… and here is the bulk of the story, no?

    Does something go wrong after he starts spying? Since spying isn’t difficult for him, what is the conflict? What is the purpose of the spying, to capture the antag? The purpose sounds like the real stakes, not the protag’s life.

    Pennance is an example of why we should care about this protag when he worked alongside the Germans.Though can anything make us care enough? We want him to succeed, right? Consider revealing his past near the end of the script, which would mean removing it from the logline. If it is removed, still paint more of the picture and, assuming, contrast between the two.

    Assuming he still feels shame, does he need to be blackmailed into it? Seems he would take on the job because he sees it as a way to redeem some of his past.

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  2. Posted: April 13, 2019In:

    A rich, successful doctor with a debilitating sex addiction becomes entangled in kinky and increasingly dangerous power games with his sexy psychiatrist.

    thedarkhorse Samurai

    Thank you for the feedback everyone. What do you think of this one? When a sex addict meets a woman he loves and is unable to have sex with her, he reconnects with his sexy former psychiatrist, with whom he shares a volatile history with, to get to the bottom of his addiction. I wasn?t sure whetherRead more

    Thank you for the feedback everyone.

    What do you think of this one?

    When a sex addict meets a woman he loves and is unable to have sex with her, he reconnects with his sexy former psychiatrist, with whom he shares a volatile history with, to get to the bottom of his addiction.

    I wasn?t sure whether to use ?kinky? instead of ?volatile?. Also, do you think I need ?with whom he shares a volatile history with?? Is it too much?

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  3. Posted: April 8, 2019In:

    An army Lieutenant resigns her commission to become a professional poker player, believing poker is safer than army combat, so she thought, until winning a huge amount from a psycho who seeks a deadly payback.

    Robb Ross Samurai

    It's a good attempt at irony to have a former Lt. seek a peaceful income, but then there's no irony in that character fighting for her life. No extra conflict as that character is equipped to battle a psycho. While she sounds innocent, why should we care about her?? Is there more to the character anRead more

    It’s a good attempt at irony to have a former Lt. seek a peaceful income, but then there’s no irony in that character fighting for her life. No extra conflict as that character is equipped to battle a psycho. While she sounds innocent, why should we care about her?? Is there more to the character and the stakes, like she has a family or takes care of an elderly parent? Were other characters considered?

    A psycho fighting over a fair loss is not a relatable predicament. Think of a scenario that many people can see themselves in or understand the core of it. For example, since many poker players have financial? partners, she signs with someone without doing enough research…and he’s the psycho who turns on her after x. I can relate to that based on a bad experience with a contractor.

    So far the story is ‘Psycho is out to kill poker player/former Lt.’ What exactly is the hook? What makes this stand out? Next attempt, add that meat to the bone.

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