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A righteous but gullible whistle-blower must obtain evidence her intimidating boss is a murderous monster before he catches on and takes sadistic steps to silence her for good.
I can only assume that she MUST obtain evidence now that he killed someone close to her... This is your inciting event, and it needs to be front and center in the logline - start with that. Secondly, what's the purpose of evidence if not to use in the court of law? Her goal shouldn't be evidence butRead more
I can only assume that she MUST obtain evidence now that he killed someone close to her… This is your inciting event, and it needs to be front and center in the logline – start with that.
Secondly, what’s the purpose of evidence if not to use in the court of law? Her goal shouldn’t be evidence but the legal implications thereof. Also, the stakes are implied but not stated – “…sadistic steps…” is too vague. Will he kill her? Torture her? Beat her up? Kill her would be best, as it’s the highest stakes.
My try:
After her boss kills her sister, a gullible whistle-blower must obtain evidence to incriminate him and save her own life.
Lastly, a whistle-blower, by definition, is not gullible. Also, gullible, much like its cousin ‘naive’, is not the strongest description as they’re not really flaws. Gullible and naive are generally perceived as positive character traits, not flaws. And naive and gullible characters have been done too many times already, especially female ones.
DON’T GO THERE – LEAVE THAT CAN OF WORMS SHUT THIS IS ABOUT STORY, NO SOCIAL POLITICS.
What other flaws would be more original, and by extension, marketable? Could she be vengeful, selfish, or perhaps a criminal herself?
Last thing is, if you’ve mentioned her boss, why not mention her job? Describe the character using her job and a genuine flaw. This way, her characteristics can be tied into the story’s themes, and the logline will improve.
See lessWhen a veteran intelligence officer, struggling to adjust to post-war life, begins to find secret codes everywhere she must follow the trail to satisfy her obsession. No matter how far that takes her.
What are the stakes? What does she gain by deciphering the codes? What will she lose if she doesn't.
What are the stakes? What does she gain by deciphering the codes? What will she lose if she doesn’t.
See lessWhen he learns his wife is planning to kill him, a rich man invites her secret lovers to a dinner party, and offers them each a fortune to kill her first.
An interesting idea, but suggest it needs vetting. Like, how can her lovers be a "secret" -- but he knows who they are so he can invite them to a dinner party? I suggest narrowing the focus down to a triangulation of characters: the rich guy and his philandering wife and her lover. Maybe something lRead more
An interesting idea, but suggest it needs vetting.
Like, how can her lovers be a “secret” — but he knows who they are so he can invite them to a dinner party?
I suggest narrowing the focus down to a triangulation of characters: the rich guy and his philandering wife and her lover.
Maybe something like:
After he learns his unfaithful wife intends to kill him, a wealthy man offers a million dollars to her lover to kill her first. (24 words0
Or mix it up: the wife offers to pay her lover to kill her husband — and then he counters with an equally lucrative reward for the lover to kill her.
Or they both have lovers and both offer their lovers a $1 million to kill the other spouse. Who will collect first?
Anyway, the premise can go down any one of several plot paths — which is a good sign.
See less