1. Posted: July 19, 2020In:

    When an indicted small-time thief learns of her boy scout kid brother’s ambition to make their crime-ridden town litter-free, she must spend her remaining days of freedom helping him while keeping him safe.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    Keeping him safe from what? The logline doesn't suggest that he is in any danger. I get the town is crime-ridden but I think we need to know how this immediately impacts her brother. Would criminals in the town really pick on a Boy Scout kid who's trying to pick up litter? I think it's worth clarifyRead more

    Keeping him safe from what? The logline doesn’t suggest that he is in any danger. I get the town is crime-ridden but I think we need to know how this immediately impacts her brother. Would criminals in the town really pick on a Boy Scout kid who’s trying to pick up litter?

    I think it’s worth clarifying that she’s heading to jail. My understanding is that “indicted” is merely accused or charged for a crime. It doesn’t necessarily mean a jail term. I was actually thinking that it could work if she’s waiting for the verdict and when it happens (in act III) her sentence is 100 hours community service and the judge (who sees her around picking up litter) rules that since she cleaned up the town, her sentence has been fulfilled. It would be a nice way to tie the two strands of this together.

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  2. Posted: July 9, 2020In:

    One lonely Filipino seafarer in a cruise ship finds comfort to his roommate who saves money to marry but he falls for him unexpectedly and as they sail together his feeling grows deeper until he’s force to reveal it

    Philippe Le Miere Logliner

    "Filipino seafarer" captures only the stereotype of nationality and occupation. This character is lonely. Why? If this were my logline I'd reflect more on character psychology. What might have made this character an individualist ... character being modelled of experience. Drama category? Or perhapsRead more

    “Filipino seafarer” captures only the stereotype of nationality and occupation. This character is lonely. Why? If this were my logline I’d reflect more on character psychology. What might have made this character an individualist … character being modelled of experience.

    Drama category? Or perhaps Romance? Ah, gender reference? Roommate equal’s girl/boy? Hard to otherwise visualise story events.

    If this logline is romance, then plot structure would be two people desperate to be with each other …. but forever pulled apart. Think ‘When Harry met Sally’

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  3. Posted: July 16, 2020In:

    When a female engineer with a typical male name is hired to the project of her dreams and confronts her boss’ shock that he, in fact, hired a woman, she must overcome attitudes of “boys club” sexism in order to maintain her position on the team.

    Scott Danzig Samurai

    It's a solid plot. There's an interesting, smart protagonist. There's conflict. There's a lot at stake, although I think you can go farther than just talking about her position. That's not all she's fighting for. It's also a bit wordy. Maybe this? When a female engineer gets accidentally hired by aRead more

    It’s a solid plot. There’s an interesting, smart protagonist. There’s conflict. There’s a lot at stake, although I think you can go farther than just talking about her position. That’s not all she’s fighting for. It’s also a bit wordy. Maybe this?

    When a female engineer gets accidentally hired by a misogynistic manager, she must combat the company’s rampant sexism for the sake of both her career and her dignity.

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