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After recieving his late mother?s camera from his older brother, a depressed young farmer wants to raise enough to leave the farm by entering his photos into a contest, but when his older brother dies unexpectedly, his grandfather uses his ailing health and wealth to try to convince him into carrying the legacy forward.
Hi David, I had a quick shot at reviewing your logline during the webinar. But the main points: - it's long and wordy - it's not clear who is the taking the main action, the young farmer or his grandfather, who seems to be the more active character towards the end. - why is the camera a big deal? ItRead more
Hi David, I had a quick shot at reviewing your logline during the webinar. But the main points:
– it’s long and wordy
– it’s not clear who is the taking the main action, the young farmer or his grandfather, who seems to be the more active character towards the end.
– why is the camera a big deal? It reads like the inciting incident, but I don’t think it’s a very exciting event.
– he wants to leave the farm. Why? And why should we care enough to watch a whole movie about his attempts?
– the death of the brother reads like the mid point, but it doesn’t feel connected with the rest of the story.
To me it reads like very low concept. In other words, I don’t see why this is exciting movie material. Am I missing something big here?
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Testing view
Testing view
See lessTerminally ill single dad romances a vulnerable heiress to procure a new home for his son, but his unexpected connection to her past jeopardizes his son’s life and thrusts fates of others into his hands, just as the time runs short.
Slight revision:A terminally ill single father romances a vulnerable heiress to?secure a home and future for his son."Terminally ill" implies the inciting incident that motivates his action -- what he is incited to do as a result of the diagnosis.Your logline tells the story from the point of view oRead more
Slight revision:
A terminally ill single father romances a vulnerable heiress to?secure a home and future for his son.
“Terminally ill” implies the inciting incident that motivates his action — what he is incited to do as a result of the diagnosis.
Your logline tells the story from the point of view of the father, which is okay.? But for your consideration, I think there is ?an even more interesting story line?embedded in the concept, that of the son. Who, after all, is the stakeholder, the one who has to live with the consequences of his father’s action.? What if the heiress likes him? — but he doesn’t like her?? What if, instead, he prefers his real mother, a woman of modest means who?cannot provide him with the material support and future opportunities that the heiress is all to eager to shower upon him?
What if he likes his ?step-mother and certainly likes? her lifestyle, but the heiress does not like him?but accepts him as part of the “package deal”?? Only to?reject him when the truth comes out about his terminal illness– as it surely will — and?she realizes she’s ?been conned by his father?
I don’t know where you’re going with the concept, but I can see many interesting possibilities.? Good luck with your writing.
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