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After finding a student showing signs of self-harm, Thomas, an intrapersonal anxious janitor must risk his job in pursuit of helping the young teen learn the beauty of life through his secret rooftop garden.
Hello, I agree with the previous comments: be specific, make a crative decision about the self-harm, clarify why the janitor's?job is at risk. I like the idea of a movie about roof gardening as a healing process.
Hello, I agree with the previous comments: be specific, make a crative decision about the self-harm, clarify why the janitor’s?job is at risk. I like the idea of a movie about roof gardening as a healing process.
See lessTwo lovers, living in different universes, have the unfortunate fate of acknowledging each other’s existence as the two lovers start dreaming of being in each other’s body and both fall madly in love with each other. .
Hello, in my opinion the problem is that you start with "two lovers", but they fall in love only later in the logline?(when they start dreaming of being in each other's body). Then, how do they know that their lover is in another universe and not two blocks away? I think there's something good in thRead more
Hello,
See lessin my opinion the problem is that you start with “two lovers”, but they fall in love only later in the logline?(when they start dreaming of being in each other’s body). Then, how do they know that their lover is in another universe and not two blocks away? I think there’s something good in the concept but it needs more work to be shaped in a coherent plot and a coherent logline.
In a near future three close but troubled small-town boys journey alone cross country seeking hope and meaning within a crumbling society exposing them to the realisation that their days as children and lifelong companions may be drawing to an end.
The latest draft of the logline sounds more complicated than it needs to be, as it seems as if you added more adjectives but havn't changed the premise. I believe the premise has a lack of stakes at its core, and? no amount of descriptions will increase them.Being ex communicated or disowned by hisRead more
The latest draft of the logline sounds more complicated than it needs to be, as it seems as if you added more adjectives but havn’t changed the premise. I believe the premise has a lack of stakes at its core, and? no amount of descriptions will increase them.
Being ex communicated or disowned by his family/community just ain’t enough…
Think of the story from a different angle, what else can your main character do that will (as DPG and I said) increase the stakes and make them personal.
Secondly the obstacle isn’t great – he jumps on a bus, goes to the launch site, sees the launch, end of story. There is no challenge for the main character. You could make him wheelchair-bound or give him Multiple Sclerosis, anything that would inhibit his ability to make the journey would be better than nothing. By the way the fact that he comes from a community that likely forbids the use of public transport, is not an inhibition it’s an inconvenience at best, as he decides in act one to go anyway.
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