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After a robber kills his mother new years eve, a depressed scientist tries to convince his country that the only way to make the world a safer place for all would be to get rid of money.
Nocturnedk:As Nir Shelter said.I've said my piece on the substance of your story. ? I remain dubious, but if it sells , I will be happy to be the 1st one to offer congratulations.Best wishes.
Nocturnedk:
As Nir Shelter said.
I’ve said my piece on the substance of your story. ? I remain dubious, but if it sells , I will be happy to be the 1st one to offer congratulations.
Best wishes.
See less?A lone recruit with a conflicted past, marked by the return to his dark, twisted family now living in a divided State, chasing their one-way ticket to social class freedom. ?
I agree with dpg, this logline is missing some basic elements ----- a lone recruit... A lone recruit to what, and why is he the only recruit? Does the lead have special abilities? Who is recruiting him? why did he leave? with a conflicted past... I would just drop this, it doesn't add anything to thRead more
I agree with dpg, this logline is missing some basic elements
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a lone recruit… A lone recruit to what, and why is he the only recruit? Does the lead have special abilities? Who is recruiting him? why did he leave?
with a conflicted past… I would just drop this, it doesn’t add anything to the story
marked by the return to his dark, twisted family… why would he return to them? If they are dark and twisted you should give us a compelling reason why the lead would go back to his family (Probably the inciting incident dpg was talking about)
Now living in a divided state… What state, how is it divided, this is confusing. Do you mean a state as ‘California’ is a state, do you mean a state as a ‘country’ is a state, or do you mean a state as in ‘a state of being’?
Chasing their one-way ticket to social class freedom… Now you have the word ‘their’ in the logline, as a result I believe you are talking about the family, because of this, the family seem to be the characters with the goal, not the lead. The logline should concentrate on the lead character’s goal not a side characters goal.
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You give us a lot of information but is either out of context or confusing for the reader. ?If there is a compelling story here it is hard to tell from this logline.
I would re-write this logline recognizing that the reader doesn’t have all the back story and inside information which makes the logline understandable for you the writer but confusing to the reader.
See lessRENEWED – While riding the bus, an introvert girl falls in love with the fantasy of a boy she sees, he introduces her to the vast landscape of people living in her mind, all fighting to control her.
Twenty nine words are expended setting up some kind of inciting incident -- but not ?a word as to what she must do about it, what becomes her objective goal as a result of this revelation. The logline needs to compress the inciting incident and include a statement of an objective goal.
Twenty nine words are expended setting up some kind of inciting incident — but not ?a word as to what she must do about it, what becomes her objective goal as a result of this revelation.
The logline needs to compress the inciting incident and include a statement of an objective goal.
See less