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3rd attempt (thank you for the reviews so far!) A carefree rebellious writer?s life turns upside down when his long lost friend crashes at his place for a month, depressed and suicidal. The friend goes missing after a month, leaving behind an email to the writer?s inbox : his suicide note. The writer vows to stop him from taking his own life, and reunite him with his separated daughter.
Foxtrot25 is right.You got 10 seconds, 15 max to grab and hold a logline reader's eyeballs. ?Movie makers are busy people with short attention spans and innumerable distractions (like smartphones that clamor for their attention 100 or more times a day). ?They aren't going to slog their way through 6Read more
Foxtrot25 is right.
You got 10 seconds, 15 max to grab and hold a logline reader’s eyeballs. ?Movie makers are busy people with short attention spans and innumerable distractions (like smartphones that clamor for their attention 100 or more times a day). ?They aren’t going to slog their way through 60 words.
Boiled down to its essence, ? the story is about a writer who must stop a friend from committing suicide. ?That’s 10 words. ?The rest of the verbiage is embellishment.
And this story needs embellishment — spicing up — to make the “bland” ?story more appealing. ?But ?you don’t have the luxury of piling on 50 extra words. ? That’s an inconvenient truth, but a truth about how the business works.
As someone who has served on a hotline, struggled for hours to talk people out of suicide, I think there is powerful story lurking in your premise waiting to be told. ?But, for myself, I’m not hooked on this story.
But I want to be.
fwiw
See less2nd attempt : A carefree, rebellious writer?s life changes suddenly when a long-lost friend pops up at his door. A gripping journey of two friends, one with an abused childhood, the other burdened with false accusations, discovering their true path amongst rigid societal expectations of manliness.
You have described a situation, For this to be a story the lead character needs a goal.
You have described a situation, For this to be a story the lead character needs a goal.
See lessA simple ordinary man loses all hope from life after being falsely accused of domestic violence by his dominant wife. He is also on the verge of losing custody of his girl child, the only love of his life. He turns to his schoolfriend who has always been rebellious and cool, and who is a motivational writer and a mini celebrity by now, for advice. In the process, he learns about his friend?s own dark secrets which makes him the indifferent, sex-addicted man that he is today. Men have issues too. Will you care to ask ? For once?
At this length and at this structure, this is more like a quick pitch or elevator pitch.
At this length and at this structure, this is more like a quick pitch or elevator pitch.
See less