1. Posted: June 12, 2019In:

    After a minor brain injury, a cynical young woman learns she recently made the decision to come forward about a crime from her past; but, unsure if she is up to the task, she must work to find out who she spent the last two years becoming and whether the shoe still fits.

    kpetrakis01 Logliner

    So would it be safe to assume she's lost her memory and doesn't know what happened in the last 2 years? Does she return to the home she once had to find she's evicted. Does she call family and realise she's not talking to any of them? I started thinking Suddenly 30 - she"grows up" overnight to realiRead more

    So would it be safe to assume she’s lost her memory and doesn’t know what happened in the last 2 years? Does she return to the home she once had to find she’s evicted. Does she call family and realise she’s not talking to any of them?

    I started thinking Suddenly 30 – she”grows up” overnight to realise she got everything she thought she wanted but found out she was a terrible person and had hurt everyone she cared about.

     

    but good point above – is it to remember what happened over the last 2 years, to change who she had become? to solve another puzzle?

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: May 31, 2019In:

    New Update feedback is much appreciated: A yakuza assassin defects after accepting a mission to escort a mysterious young girl. Uncovering her past, his mission becomes a desperate plight to save her.

    dpg Singularity

    >>>He?s saving her from other yakuza members because the girl is an important commodity to them.Commodity for what purpose? To be exploited as a prostitute? The logline needs to be more specific as to the nature of her jeopardy.And what is so special about this girl that induces the protagoRead more

    >>>He?s saving her from other yakuza members because the girl is an important commodity to them.

    Commodity for what purpose? To be exploited as a prostitute? The logline needs to be more specific as to the nature of her jeopardy.

    And what is so special about this girl that induces the protagonist to violate his loyalty to the yakuza? Surely she is not the first girl to be “commodified”.? And surely he is not so naive as to not know that such commodification is part of the yakuza’s stock and trade.

    So why this particular girl? And why now?

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: June 8, 2019In:

    A guilty college student is leveraged by an abuser from his past, who is close with his crush, to choose between her safety or Not being Exposed.

    Best Answer
    Karel Segers Samurai

    I believe the first job to improve the logline is to be specific about what the student is guilty of. This adds to the stakes, I would believe. Next, find a more visual/concrete action. I don't think loglines about just a choice are very strong. Once the choice is made, the action starts, right? I aRead more

    I believe the first job to improve the logline is to be specific about what the student is guilty of. This adds to the stakes, I would believe.

    Next, find a more visual/concrete action. I don’t think loglines about just a choice are very strong. Once the choice is made, the action starts, right?

    I also think you can just say ‘student’. I don’t see at first sight what the ‘transfer’ adds in terms of dramatic value.

    “When a past abuser blackmails him, a reserved student must protect his crush, while keeping the secret about [whatever he is guilty of].”

    I know it doesn’t sound quite selling yet, but in terms of structure and clarity I believe it is an improvement.

    What do you think?

    On a separate note, I noticed that you have posted quite a few more loglines than reviews. ?The spirit of Logline It is that everyone reviews at least 2 other loglines for each logline posted. This doesn’t have to be an in-depth expert review. Most writers are happy if you just give us your honest opinion and what you believe the chances of success are for the type of story. Thank you.

    Thank you for having a look at the site again, and reviewing the work of your fellow writers.

    Cheers,

    Karel

    See less
    • 0