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Revised: Exes – A 25 year old unemployed woman asks her depressed ex-boyfriend from college for a urine sample in order to pass a drug test for a potential job at her Father’s sign shop. In doing this she wants to enable herself to move out of her Mother’s house and re-enter the dating scene.
The cause and effect connecting all these plot points is tenuous at best. What is her one primary goal and subsequent obstacle in achieving it?
The cause and effect connecting all these plot points is tenuous at best. What is her one primary goal and subsequent obstacle in achieving it?
See lessA group of sister have a lengthy conversation trying to fill in the social, cultural and physiological blanks about a long extinct species: Humans.
The logline lacks a plot.And if the sisters aren't human? then what are they?
The logline lacks a plot.
And if the sisters aren’t human? then what are they?
See lessWhen several unexplained deaths occur in a retirement village, a cranky veteran suspects the widows and must uncover the truth before becoming the next to go.
Rearrange the details for better flow. I don't know who ever said starting a logline with "When something happens" but it's terrible and doesn't make sense that so many people use it without listening to how slow and boring it sounds. Always start with the protagonist - no one cares about events, weRead more
Rearrange the details for better flow. I don’t know who ever said starting a logline with “When something happens” but it’s terrible and doesn’t make sense that so many people use it without listening to how slow and boring it sounds.
Always start with the protagonist – no one cares about events, we care about people. Aside from how it’s phrased, all the pertinent details are here: protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes. Just put it in a more compelling order without punctuation and it’s solid.
A cranky veteran must uncover the truth behind several unexplained deaths in his retirement village before the widowed suspects make him the next to go.
This doesn’t quite identify the tone – could be dark comedy, could be dramatic thriller – but does generate interest in reading more, so as long as the tone is clear in a synopsis or summary or treatment or especially the script, it’s fine.
See less