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When a humble bingo floor clerk discovers ability to predict Powerball lotto winning numbers, she must fight her family’s deadly urge to get rich quick.
"When a humble bingo floor clerk discovers ability to predict Powerball lotto winning numbers, she must fight her family?s deadly urge to get rich quick." I agree with mikepedley85's review. Here's a breakdown from my understanding: Inciting incident: "discovers ability to predict Powerball lotto wiRead more
“When a humble bingo floor clerk discovers ability to predict Powerball lotto winning numbers, she must fight her family?s deadly urge to get rich quick.”
I agree with mikepedley85’s review. Here’s a breakdown from my understanding:
Inciting incident: “discovers ability to predict Powerball lotto winning numbers” —-> Agree with mikepedley85’s suggestion.
Protagonist: “a humble bingo floor clerk” —-> Being a bingo floor clerk may have significance in the story, but it doesn’t seem necessary in the logline. Is there a shorter way to include this?? You mentioned that you intend ‘humble’ to mean poor, but I feel as though other than stating her financial status, it doesn’t tell us what kind of personality she has, and that can be used to hint at how her personality affects the story.
Goal: “he must fight her family?s deadly urge to get rich quick.” —-> This should be changed to a specific, visual description of an objective goal. Think of the climax. At that point, what will she be trying to accomplish?
Antagonist: From the logline, it reads as though it’s her family. But in your comment you mention an outside group who tries to kill her, since that part isn’t in the logline I can’t assess it.
I suggest considering these above elements for your revisions.
See lessIs it interesting? For non climbing audience
The best way to ensure that audiences will get on board, as Nir has pointed out, is to make it about the struggle. There are a lot of films that focus on mankind's struggle against unbelievable odds - Everest, 127 Hours, Touching the Void, Cast Away, Life of Pi, etc. etc. Usually, it's not that impoRead more
The best way to ensure that audiences will get on board, as Nir has pointed out, is to make it about the struggle. There are a lot of films that focus on mankind’s struggle against unbelievable odds – Everest, 127 Hours, Touching the Void, Cast Away, Life of Pi, etc. etc. Usually, it’s not that important what the circumstances but the stakes have to be high – it’s about survival. The kid in your story can’t just choose to learn how to ice climb and find it difficult – he can quit at any time. Instead consider putting him in a situation where he has no choice because his life depends on it. A lot of the movies mentioned take experienced people as a means of highlighting the extremes – even the best of the best are struggling. So another option for you is to make him an experienced climber doing something that pushes him to his limit and beyond – maybe the protagonist is the veteran who has to go rescue the inexperienced guy like in Everest? Or he finds himself stuck somewhere like Touching the Void?
The other thing you could consider to help with marketing is include a location that even the average film-watcher has heard of. ?The Eiger, Everest, K2, etc, etc. By giving us a familiar name we immediately know the risks.
The most important thing for this kind of story though, in my opinion, is the stakes. He can’t have the option of turning back and his life has to be on the line. Get busy living or get busy dying!
See lessA Facebook friend request, changes the life of a man undergoing mid life crisis, as he discovers, his former best friend, is a hitman.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY COMMAS? Seriously just write it as a single sentence with no commas and see how much better it sounds. A good logline shouldn't have any pauses anyway, but this isn't even good English...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY COMMAS?
Seriously just write it as a single sentence with no commas and see how much better it sounds. A good logline shouldn’t have any pauses anyway, but this isn’t even good English…
See less