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When faced with the agony of getting real jobs after graduation, a hapless hair metal band must make their way to LA for a shot at a huge record deal but a former classmate (and failed musician) works for the label and will stop at nothing to see they flop.
Hey! Great work here. I have a few thoughts. 1) Do we need "When faced with the agony of getting real jobs after graduation"? It doesn't seem to impact the rest of the story because they don't break up and look for real jobs. 2) I think you could explain your band a little better, something more preRead more
Hey! Great work here. I have a few thoughts.
See less1) Do we need “When faced with the agony of getting real jobs after graduation”? It doesn’t seem to impact the rest of the story because they don’t break up and look for real jobs.
2) I think you could explain your band a little better, something more precise. Something like this bad example “thick make-up, big-haired rock band…’ I know exactly what type of fellas these are.
3) Once you introduced the antagonist you use 19 works to get your message across, most good loglines are between 25-30 in total. Try getting that down. I like the guy though, classic chip on his shoulder kinda dude that is a mad pain in the ass and only has that job because his daddy got it for his…something like that I’m sure haha.
4) This is the painful note, I hate getting it and I hate giving it…stakes, what are they? What happens if these guys fail? At the moment it seems like it will just be a pain in the ass to go and find real jobs but that isn’t enough? Not if the antagonist is going to stop at nothing, he/she is going to easily win here. Something to think about. I’m sure you have it it’s just about getting it down here.
Great work, cool premise, I’ll buy a ticket so keep it up!
after escaping from the hands of a brutal casino own in las vegas, the unidentical and frustrated twin brothers, one white and one black come home to new york to bury their late father and start a new life but little did they know that new york has nothing better to offer them.
1. “After escaping from the hands of a brutal casino own in Las Vegas” What were the circumstances of their escape and is this owner still after them? 2. “the unidentical and frustrated twin brothers, one white and one black” = biracial twin brothers? 3. “come home to New York to bury their late fatRead more
1. “After escaping from the hands of a brutal casino own in Las Vegas” What were the circumstances of their escape and is this owner still after them?
2. “the unidentical and frustrated twin brothers, one white and one black” = biracial twin brothers?
3. “come home to New York to bury their late father and start a new life” Which is the major event/catalyst? Fleeing Las Vegas or burring their father which takes the twins out of the norm and sets their story in motion?
4. “but little did they know that New York has nothing better to offer them” Being this is a Comedy here’s your opportunity for the punch line.
Keep going, take care.
See lessFARTACUS ? An NC-17 bawdy adventure set in Ancient Rome: When a lowly slave is mistaken for aristocratic progeny he has one chance to outwits rivals, seduce virgin nobles, and con the Gods on his improbable road to becoming Caesar.
Love the concept. Not a logline yet. Can't wait to see this movie.
Love the concept. Not a logline yet. Can’t wait to see this movie.
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