wendyj

276 points

24 points to Logliner

1 logline
7 reviews

Loglines

After an ex-girlfriend demands a sperm sample in exchange for giving back a rare vintage guitar, a once-famous rock star and his landlord?s daughter come up with a plan to get the guitar back without giving in to his ex?s demand while, also, dealing with their growing attraction to each other.

February 19, 2018

Recent reviews

on A young, pregnant Maltese woman struggles to survive the siege of Malta and Nazi invasion alone, after her submariner husband leaves during WWII. OR When newlyweds Jaynie and Reggie are separated during the siege of Malta WW2, an impulsive, pregnant Jaynie must survive and save her family without him.

I would combine the two:During WWII,?after?her submariner husband is called to battle, Jaynie struggles to survive the siege of Malta and Nazi invasion. Young, pregnant, and a newlywed, she must save her family on her own.. More details are need…
on A young ex basketball player finds himself falling in love with his best friend, but being feared to hurt her due to his post-traumatic stress disorder, he must learn to cope in order to move forward with her before he lose her for good.

I think this logline needs to include why the main character has PTSD.As an example:Two years after witnessing the murder of his mother, a young man falls in love with his best friend.?Diagnosed?with PTSD, he must find a way to…
on After a selfish, irresponsible, 18 year old’s father is framed and she is given his hyper- intelligent OCD son (11) to look after, she must fool Social Services into believing she is responsible enough to care for the boy, or outwit a crime syndicate into negotiating her father?s release before the boy is removed from her care.

So many thoughts come to mind.Is it really a good idea to make the protagonist that unlikable right in the first sentence?The father is "framed"? You might want to elaborate on that with something like "framed for a (whatever crime)…
on When a black high school football star mysteriously disappears, his four daring friends and their dog set out to find him, unraveling the dark secrets of their small town and a possible serial killer among the town?s elite.

My main issue: "...his four daring friends and their dog ..." Because of the way it was written, it sounds like all four friends own the dog. As someone wrote above, mentioning the dog isn't needed. When a dog is…
on As his best friend – an alcoholic old Hollywood star – begs for death, a young reporter sees his own fate and takes a dramatic step to rewrite the story of his life.

Unlike others, I don't find the protagonist to be selfish. It's someone who had both lost a friend and got a wake=up call. I think the logline should include what actions were taken after the wake-up call.Using what you wrote…
on Spike a shy, autistic football genius finds a teams playbook, easily memorizes it, then morphs into a gregarious man about town while helping the head coach win the big game

Richiev is right. Where's the conflict? Maybe Spike needs to help the coach before everyone finds out he found and memorized the playbook? The logline is a bit confusing. It makes it sound like the playbook had some sort of…
on When a strange presence steps in their life with the intent to take care of their neglected daughter, her parents will have to get over the divorce trying to show how much do they take care of her before it’s too late.

I would suggest something like: When a paranormal presence steps in to take care of a couple's neglected daughter, they have to stop their divorce and prove how much they care for their child before it's too late. I'd also…