t9ejane

Recent reviews

• on When his wife and daughter are both kidnapped and held in different locations, an emotionally stunted man must choose which one to save in a race against time.

  This is pretty clean. You?ve got a problem, a time constraint, a villain, a proactive goal, and a protagonist with some depth. Your villain and time constraint are vague. And emotionally stunted sounds kind of weird (war vet, PTSD, BPD)...…

• on When a superhero is infected with his engineered plague, her ex-boyfriend escapes from prison to steal from a military lab and create a cure before the woman he loves dies in three days.

  I agree with everybody. Also, we're going to know if he rescues her, he still cares. We're going to know there's an urgency because it's a plague. Maybe you could save those words and give more about who he has…

• on A drug addicted private investigator must partner up with an android detective to solve?the mystery of how and why his sister induced an AI to murder her.

  I like the android detective part.?That's pretty much it. I'm not interested in watching yet another drug-addled human do anything and I'm not sci-fy-ie enough to wonder how she induced an AI to murder her so that would go right…

• on The survival of the British Monarchy is at stake as Queen Elizabeth II struggles to deal with the death of Princess Diana, a woman she loathes but whom the public idolizes.

  How is the British Monarchy?s "survival" threatened? Lawsuit? Popularity? What does ?deal with? mean? Publicity issues? I tried my hand at it but I removed some of the emotional impact?in yours. Ugh, I tried. Queen Elizabeth II scrupulously goes to…

• on A struggling novelist on a deadline takes a job as a obituary writer while he gets over his ex-wife and the deaths he writes about expose truths in his own life.

  Hi - I think this is well formed already, with a little tweak it'll be a thumbs up. This is a comedy so the obits are revealing something humorous but you say the "deaths he writes about expose truths in…

• on Against a backdrop of growing religious conflict with a foreign civilization, an idealistic scientist seeks truth while a young civil servant seeks power.

  I revised yours in an effort to fill in anything missing so I could see what else is missing and I think I agree, the thing missing is the so what. Here's my revision. When you get to the end…

• on After a land survey reveals that her fence is in the wrong place, a homeowner, unwilling to lose part of her backyard, wages war against her neighbor ? no matter what the law says.

  I see the problem here. Maybe there should not be proof of law, and the act could have gone on unapproved at the time. That would give her two reasons to fight. How about: A generous neighbor replaces a downed…

• on When an Animal Talent Agency has only 48 hours to find the right talent for a psychotic client or face demise, a flamboyant receptionist obsessed with making his dog a star sees an opportunity. He ?just? has to convince the mid divorce agent, win the client?s heart and train his pooch to overcome stage fright.

  I've moved the problem to front - difficult movie star needs a dog. Then moved the hero's plan next. Then added the conflicts and time constraint. Also, this might just be me, but I tend to remove descriptive words that…

• on After accepting the reality of being raped by a woman, a reformed demigod assassin tries to deal with his depression by getting back into the business of hunting people who bear the Chimera Mark.

  Hi I think the story's goal and theme are revenge and justice. Who and how can be plugged in to support the goal and theme. A mythological assassin strikes back to right the wrongs of rape and injustice... This tells…

• on When a 16-year-old delinquent in a Tibetan refugee camp is recognized by the Dalai Lama as a reincarnated spritual leader, he finds himself a stranger in his own life.

  A derelict Tibetan boy wrestles to accept his newfound spiritual responsibilities.

• on Three days before Armageddon, a drug addicted lawyer struggles to be free from his addiction, his friends and his day job .The devil has marked him, he has made a claim .To survive the Dreadful war he has to beat him at this final hour.

  CraigDGriffiths nailed it nicely I think.

• on When his estranged sister is found dead, a drug addicted private investigator teams up with an android police detective to solve the mystery why she ordered an AI to kill her.

  Hi?I'm working on a logline for my story and am realizing how very difficult it is. I must have written 20 attempts already and have learned that the first few drafts pretty much follow a formula but then you boil…