mhotep

106 points

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on In stepping up to talk to the girl that took his breath away, a timid boy enters her world of seduction and murder and in pursuit of her he will learn the great and terrible things Man is capable of.

This is my second review. I like visualizing stories. Where did he encounter this girl? Were they in school or a cemetery? Those are two different worlds. Also seems kind of long. Try saying more with less.
on After his future self moves in and starts dating his girlfriend, a once complacent vacuum salesman struggles against fate to prevent the hell he?s living from setting in stone

"How" does he encounter his future self? What is the "it" he makes worse? His life in general? What is the specific worse that happens? Take into consideration this is my first review. :D