Lotcher

Recent reviews

• on In this crisp horror comedy set in India, Rajeev, a hearing-impaired Indian boy, stumbles upon a supernatural hearing aid that lets him eavesdrop on anyone, including spirits. With the help of Ayesha, a ghostly singer, they navigate a world of madness, confusion, spooky elements, and comedy, while evading a Pakistani spy determined to snatch the hearing aid.

  Hi Tosbro, Right off the bat, a face value analysis of your pitch will quickly find prevalence of unconventional logline qualities that need to be identified before they are subsequently addressed. Firstly, the inclusion of character names are, for the…

• on A woman tries to engage with her dysfunctional biological family after she learns that her late loving and caring mother abducted her as a baby.

  Hmm... Well it seems you have identified a compelling theme with, "is blood thicker than water?" being the dramatic question of your story. As far as the logline is concerned I would double down on pitching that core aspect of…

• on A disgraced cop, offered the chance to regain custody of his son unearths a hidden layer of secrets of those involved within and outside the law when he must catch a serial killer before more children die.

  I like the idea of your story but felt the logline could do with a bit more work. Here's a rewrite for your consideration. Use it as your own if it suits your story. "Despite risk of becoming the scapegoat…

• on A strict, mean and no nonsense man in his mid thirties must learn compassion after he realises he has just 12 hours left to live.

  Hi Eta, Logline formula is usually made up of the following components: [Protagonist] + [Inciting Incident] + [Action/Goal] + [Antagonist and/or Antagonistic Force]. So far your logline when broken down into its fundamentals appears as such: Protagonist: "A strict, mean…

• on A woman tries to engage with her dysfunctional biological family after she learns that her late loving and caring mother abducted her as a baby.

  I think the, "hoping to get assistance with her medical issues," bit sounds a little bit vauge and it makes the protagonist's actions come off as a bit passive. (She "hopes" being the main culprit of making her goal sound…

• on A woman tries to engage with her dysfunctional biological family after she learns that her late loving and caring mother abducted her as a baby.

  I like the premise but I feel like the logline might benefit by having the inciting incident (or so I assume) occur at the start of the logline. Here's an alternate logline for you consideration: "With the revelation that her…

• on A divorcé redirects his self-hatred upon the very private investigator he had paid to spy on his ex after discovering their newly established relationship.

  Original logline: "Having paid a man to “look after” his ex-wife, an abusive divorcee seeks revenge upon discovering the very private investigator he hired has begun a secret relationship with her."

• on A divorcé redirects his self-hatred upon the very private investigator he had paid to spy on his ex after discovering their newly established relationship.

  Hi NisVinten, The idea of the story is based on a tragic protagonist who cannot live for himself after breaking up with his ex. Whilst the story has a lot to do with the events as I've tried best to…

• on A divorcé redirects his self-hatred upon the very private investigator he had paid to spy on his ex after discovering their newly established relationship.

  Gave it some thought and I went back to your original revision and came up with this: "A divorcee redirects his self-hatred upon the very private investigator he had paid to spy on his ex after discovering their newly established…

• on A divorcé redirects his self-hatred upon the very private investigator he had paid to spy on his ex after discovering their newly established relationship.

  In attempt to get the word count down to 25 words I've revised this to: "After discovering a romance has begun, a self-hating divorcee reigns vendetta against the private investigator he simply had paid to spy on his ex." I…

• on A divorcé redirects his self-hatred upon the very private investigator he had paid to spy on his ex after discovering their newly established relationship.

  Hi Ben, This seems to roll off the tongue a lot better, thank you for your rewritten suggestion.

• on A transgender young woman has to dress up as a man to rejoin a boy band she was fired from.

  Is there any reason as to why she does this? Structure: A [what] young woman [must] dress up as a male to join a boy band [because why]. Comedy loglines work best if there is a sense of irony included,…

• on When he youngest of three sisters, depending on her boyfriend for happiness, crosses the Atlantic Ocean to say good-bye to her estranged father before he dies, she must confront and finally put an end to the painful patterns of her childhood that have affected all her relationships.

  "An over-reliant romantic must independently see her dying father one last time all whilst confronting the resurrecting demons of her long forgotten childhood." Sorry if my attempt at condensing your logline doesn't quite line up with your story since I…

• on An over-ambitious aspiring author must focus significant time on long neglected relationships to improve his mental wellbeing all whilst struggling to meet self-imposed deadlines for his debut novel.

  Hi Ben, Your response made me realise that part of my logline came off as unclear, here is a revision: "An over-ambitious aspiring author must focus significant time on long neglected relationships to improve his mental wellbeing all whilst struggling…

• on A race car driver who comes out of retirement signs up for a televised deadly game show with another driver who hates him.

  As NavCR implied, this logline is doesn't do a good job of differentiating itself from existing works of fiction, that being Death Race in this case. The protagonist isn't unique. I could think of a thousand race car drivers that…

• on After the death of his employer, a devoted bodyguard is far from knowing he has inherited all plus the old demons of his employer of which he has to fight to save his life and that of the daughter of the deceased with whom he has a secret affair

  Hey Songo, I read your logline and liked the premise but I felt as though the word length detracted from the whole "pitch" aspect as it needs to be more direct to be considered more effective as a logline. Here's…

• on A horse rider develops a relationship with a woman in order to help overcome her fear of horses.

  I don't understand how the protagonist can be described as a being a "horse rider" when they are also described as having a fear of horse riding. Does the protagonist have a mental disability and is seeking equine therapy? Or…

• on A rural grandfather with a distant relationship with his urbanite daughter will try to convince her that his granddaughter study the next year in the village school and so the school will not close

  Ending the logline with "workaholic parents." could work too, given it informs the reader that the granddaughter does indeed have a father figure, (mention of her mother sounds more personal). My edit makes it sound like there is no father…

• on A rural grandfather with a distant relationship with his urbanite daughter will try to convince her that his granddaughter study the next year in the village school and so the school will not close

  I quite like this story for its unambitious nature, though I must admit this is a hard sell given that the stakes aren't very high since not many readers are going to be anxious whether or not a rural school…

• on An uninventive children’s author, whose supposed dreams have long been documented in his bedside journal by a mysterious ghostwriter, wakes up to a shockingly blank journal upon the release of his debut novel.

  Thank you for your response Odie