lempicka

Recent reviews

• on When a selfish store clerk finds himself in the middle-ages, he clumsily awakens an ancient evil in an effort to return home; in doing so, he finds himself fighting armies of un-dead to not only save himself but humanity.  

  I like this, but I was wondering what the impact of the armies of the undead will have - as this is set in the middle ages, will the undead kill the future (as in Back to The Future)?

• on After a childhood and adolescence of abuse by her father and stepfather, an adult woman must figure out the pieces of her trauma and how to overcome it.

  Why does she have to do this now? And what will happen to her if she doesn't reach her goal? I think it would be stronger as (in the feedback above) there's a specific goal in mind.

• on When a disgraced bodyguard is hired to transport a smarmy hitman to the Hague, the two have one weekend to outsmart, outrun, outgun, or evade, every assassin in Europe, and that’s if the two doesn’t shoot each other first.

  This sounds like fun, but the threat seems to come from so many sources all at the same time, it doesn't grip as much as it could. Could you include some info on why they have to go to the…

• on Trapped in a mansion filled with vampires and their human cattle, an amnesia-ridden detective must figure out how he got there, how to get out – and who to trust.

  I like the set-up, but I wondered what part the detective's amnesia plays in this? Also, if he's trapped in a mansion filled with vampires, surely his most pressing need is to escape (not figure out how he got there).

• on Chained together by backwoods cannibals, a bank robber and his hostage escape and must survive in unknown terrain – while the hostage is desperate to save her daughter, who they left with their captors.

  I agree with Richiev - I think you need to choose a protagonist for us to follow - and the hostage seems like the likely choice. He/she then has has to escape the cannibals to rescue his/her daughter.

• on During an unruly blizzard, a family is trapped in their house with a malevolent ghost who has their daughter, and given the choice – get out and live or look for their daughter and die.

  I'm not sure if the blizzard is a red herring here. And why would they choose to look for their daughter if they're going to die, as what would then happen to the daughter? Could you set up a different…

• on The Balcony-Scaler, The Train-Feeder, The Skin-Scratcher, and The Pornographic-Men. All serial killers. Their crimes committed the same decade, inside the same city where detectives will lose hope in search of justice.

  I like the names and the set-up, but I'm not sure who the protagonist is, or what the stakes are. Is the story from the POV of one of the detectives? Are all these serial killers in league with one…

• on A young aspiring musician discovers that the English language reveals a conspiracy, which he utilizes to make himself a star. He learns the rich and famous are given strange powers for their so called accomplishments.

  A young musician discovers that the English language reveals a conspiracy, which he utilizes to make himself a star. He competes with other celebrities, vying for power over the fate of the world?s largest fanbase. I think this is stronger,…

• on A young aspiring musician discovers that the English language reveals a conspiracy, which he utilizes to make himself a star. He learns the rich and famous are given strange powers for their so called accomplishments.

  A young aspiring musician discovers that the English language reveals a conspiracy, which he utilizes to make himself a star. He learns the rich and famous are given strange powers for their so called accomplishments. I think the first part…

• on A young aspiring musician discovers that the English language reveals a conspiracy, which he utilizes to make himself a star. He learns the rich and famous are given strange powers for their so called accomplishments.

  I think you need a protagonist, and to start with them - who is the hero of your story, and what do they need? What is blocking them, and what does the antagonist work? I'm not sure what the conspiracy…

• on A young aspiring musician discovers that the English language reveals a conspiracy, which he utilizes to make himself a star. He learns the rich and famous are given strange powers for their so called accomplishments.

  I think this sounds intriguing, but I think you need to be more specific in the logline, especially in the first sentence. I think you could lose the second sentence unless it's key to the story. I would change the…

• on When a troubled journalist returns to her birthplace to investigate the mysterious death of her childhood friend, she finds herself fighting for survival against the satanic cult now secretly controlling the town.

  Have updated the logline: When a troubled journalist returns to her birthplace to solve a friend's murder, she uncovers a satanic cult she must destroy before they sacrifice the whole town. Any comments gratefully received

• on New Update feedback is much appreciated: A yakuza assassin defects after accepting a mission to escort a mysterious young girl. Uncovering her past, his mission becomes a desperate plight to save her.

  Sounds like an intriguing story, but I'd try to shorten the logline and make it more active - something more like: When an ex-yakuza assassin takes on one last mission to to escort a mysterious young girl to (safety? A…

• on Desperate to fix a failed romance, a young genius invents a time machine to go back and tweak the relationship over… and over.. and over…. until he gets it right.

  It sounds very similar to 'About Time' by Richard Curtis

• on When his gay cruise ship is invaded by terrorists, a veteran turned drag queen must use his skills to take down the thugs and save the day.

  I would definitely watch this, and unlike some of the other feedback, I think this is very timely in a world where RuPaul's Drag Race is very popular. I think you could possibly tighten up the logline by making his…

• on When forced into a deadly game show by Vatican City Cyber-Soldiers, a meek heretic must formulate an escape, else be torn to shreds in their ‘Koloseum’.

  I like the sound of this, but I was wondering if you could increase the stakes if the cleric has to try and rescue others as well? (Otherwise, he/she comes off a bit selfish imo!)

• on A group of subjects in a sleep experiment are stalked by multidimensional entities awakened to rip their spirits apart.

  I like the sound of this, but to echo the other comment, I think you could have a protagonist at the start of this. Who or what has awakened the multidimensional entities? I'm not sure what 'rio their spirits apart'…

• on A closeted, sultry actress and a depressed, overachieving high school senior begrudgingly form a bond to overthrow a crazed anarchist bent on strengthening the divide between their two different lifestyles.

  Is the actress a lesbian? If not, and you want her to be an introvert, then I'd choose a different way to describe her than 'closeted'. The second part seems a bit vague at the moment - who is the…

• on A quirky, slightly neurotic writer must overcome years of social anxiety and isolation in order to win the heart of the man she loves.

  I like the sound of this, but I agree with the other reviewers that it could do with being more specific. She sounds more than 'slightly' neurotic given your description. Can you make it more specific, and is there something…

• on Picked up by social services after years of living off the grid, a veteran suffering from PTSD and his teenage daughter struggle to integrate into society.

  The story sounds intriguing, but at the moment the protagonist seems passive. You could move the protagonist to the start of the logline to make him sound more active, and the idea that he's 'picked up' is passive. I think…